Welcome to the Family: My Abuse Story

This has become a 'living document' that gets added as needed. Writing it has become deeply therapeutic for me. It has helped ground me in a reality based on goodness and truth, not the many lies and ensuing destruction. It has also been instrumental in helping me find some form of healing and recover my God-given identity in Christ – mind you, ever so slowly. Finally, it serves as the antidote to a lot of the gaslighting and abuse that I (we) have experienced over the past 18 years. (Last Updated: Spring 2024)

The Post is pretty emotionally raw and opinionated in some places, based on a lot of what I have experienced and what I can remember – mainly supplemented with facts and evidence from conversations with my wife as well as the emails/letters/texts sent to us, my place of employment and my family back home in Australia. As with most posts of a personal nature, the events described here have been written about through the lens of my pain and experience.

As this has become a long post, I have provided the following links to break it up and make it easier to come back to a specific section.

Intro | Emotional Abuse | Spiritual Abuse
The Sermon | Insincerity & Narcissism | Boundaries

Where do I start?

A number of summers ago (2021), I was experiencing a high level of anxiety along with some post-traumatic symptoms as a result of repeated emotional trauma over many years. This has resulted in a nervous breakdown and bouts of both active and passive suicidal thoughts. I started to feel things unravelling, my mind wasn't as sharp as it normally is (I lost my love of reading), and I developed a noticeable hand tremor when stressed. After another abusive event, I decided to get help. While working with a psychologist alongside my family doctor, I got a diagnosis and began a treatment program that included therapy, some lifestyle changes, and anti-depression medication. I still have a long way to go; the process has been further tweaked with other doctors. There have been a lot of ups and downs, but it is a start toward getting healthy.

As I progressed through therapy, a constant pain point kept on reappearing. Toxic people. Toxic relationships. It became apparent that I'm a magnet for toxicity. Initially, I was worried that I was super toxic and attracted similar people in my relationships. However, the psychologist explained to me that “empaths,” or very empathetic people tend to leave themselves constantly exposed to the manipulation of toxic people. This made a lot of sense given my empathetic nature and the history of toxicity that I have experienced with my uncle in Australia, lots of 'church folk' from my time in ministry and also my in-laws.

I don't have a great relationship with my in-laws. A lot of the spiritualand emotional abuse in my life has come via their hands...

And It's not that I didn't want to have a good relationship with them. I was actually quite excited that I was marrying into a family that supposedly shared the same faith; a father-in-law who enjoyed history, theology and politics; things that I believed were similar values and interests. I was always coming to Canada to marry my beautiful wife, Jen, I had no reservations about that, but these were some of the “extras” that I believed would help make moving to the other side of the world much easier.

I was wrong. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was lacking, insufficient, and disappointing.

It took me over a decade to admit this, mainly out of fear of hurting my wife as well as being labelled the problem, but this relationship with my in-laws has been both extremely emotional and spiritually abusive. A relationship, from day one, that was built on a foundation of shame, condemnation, disrespect and manipulation. It has been very soul-crushing and life-draining. A cause of so much pain for our small family. As time marched on, I felt my soul slowly erode with the ebbs and flows of the abuse.

Can't Buy Me Love – The Emotional Abuse. {↑}

A lot of the emotional abuse I have experienced in this relationship centres around one of two things – Material Possessions and Respect. Though I think, as I write this, 'disrespect' might be a better word to use.

Money & Possessions

I am worthless (and spiritually favourless) because our family is not affluent. The constant digs about our home and possessions, my wage throughout the years as well as the subtle and unwanted comparisons to more well-off family members. For the longest time, my mother-in-law wouldn't shut up about money and possessions.

A good example of this was seen when they made the comment, “my daughter's life hasn't turned out the way she wanted and is very disappointed,” when my mum and sister were once visiting. Constantly griping about our family and life situation.

Who does that? Who has the gall to point out to someone's visiting family that their child is worthless? A failure because they don't meet your expectations? My mum and sister were so hurt by what they heard that they vowed never to visit them again. And I really don't blame them.

As a side, my wife has never communicated that she is disappointed in her life. I have learned, over the years, that material wealth (and power) is very important to my in-laws, especially in regard to the status of spiritual blessing in their lives. Their status with God is reflected in the stuff that they have. Unfortunately, that is the horrible lie of the prosperity gospel.

So what if I'm currently a stay-at-home parent? Yes, it's not what I envisioned, but I have worked hard at it and tried to give my family my best. It has afforded me the opportunity to be more involved in my kids' lives – something that a lot of dads don't have. To give love and spiritual guidance as best as I can. I have done this while going back to school, retraining and trying to change careers.

When I worked in Christian ministry, my in-laws didn't really care. They only ever visited the churches that I pastored twice (and one time was for the dedication of two of my girls). They never listened to any of my sermons. Never really took an interest in what I was doing – unless they could get something out of it (e.g. Curriculum, VBS/Soccer Camp stuff) or if there was a problem to fix. You know tangible stuff that could bring them accolades at their church or give them an increased sense of self-worth and importance.

Then a number of years ago, when everything had hit the “proverbial fan” in our last pastorate when we were hurt and needing support – we got 8 whole months of silence. Nothing said. No reaching out. No love. We were in one of the darkest of times and had to rely on the love and support of my family 13,500 km away in Australia.

We desperately needed our family. We needed their encouragement and support. However, from what my in-laws communicated through their silence and distance – we weren't worth the effort...

The same can be said for the recent COVID-19 pandemic. They barely reached out to see how our family was doing – their daughter, who is a pediatric ICU nurse (who got redeployed twice to work the COVID units) or their grandkids, who had their young lives uprooted. As for me, well, I got nothing; no calls, no emails. No encouragement to see how I was doing at home, teaching 3 kids (one with special needs) as schools went online. The only reaching out that I got from them was related to my job search.

You'll see, repeatedly further on, how the pandemic became a point of contention with my in-laws and how it was used to twist the narrative about us amongst their extended family and the people in their church.

I also don't buy this whole interest in my job search either. As I said above, it's purely about money. In fact, when we were visiting one time, I was studying for a major Infosec certification – something I had been doing for over a year. I tried really hard to use this to connect with my father-in-law in conversation – a guy who has an office wall full of certifications, who has had to repeatedly retrain and upgrade – only to be met with mean-spirited negativity. “It's a waste of money, and you're wasting your time.” You would think someone with his work history would be a little more supportive and encouraging.

I had the exam the next day also. Did he reach out to see how it went? Absolutely not. (I passed, if you're wondering).

You will also see below that through their self-centred actions, they didn't have much concern for my livelihood anyway.

Back to the Pandemic, when our family tested positive for COVID in January 2022, we were met with my mother-in-law repeatedly asking, “It's just like a cold, right?”

Thankfully, it was very mild (Yay! Vaccines!). Then, after a week, and only due to the insistence of extended family, did they finally check up on us. Regardless of their politics or thoughts on COVID, it really hurt to see their beliefs take precedence over loving their family and showing concern for our well-being.

Furthermore, my in-laws have spun this grand narrative that we cut them off because of COVID. That is absolutely not true. We pursued them a lot, as you will see below.

The truth is, they stopped visiting us two years before COVID. As pointed out above, they have been pretty absent in our lives. We also have encouraged them to call over the years; to set up weekly connections with the girls. But nothing ever comes from it – we are just met with months of silence, until they usually want something or need to complain or gossip about someone.

It genuinely seems that because we don't meet their expectations or make the relationship solely about them, we aren't worth the time or effort to pursue. It's pretty much a one-way street for their benefit.

Now, though I have not always acted honourably and have at times lashed out in my pain, sometimes very angrily – I have sincerely tried to make this relationship work. Yes, I have said stuff. Perhaps I have occasionally trolled my father-in-law online because of his political ranting and promoting of conspiracy theories. Though I don't agree with much of what he says, I know I shouldn't act like a jerk. I shouldn't bite back in response to the hurt they have caused.

Honestly, though, I have tried to show love toward my in-laws. I have pursued them lots over the years to show that I care.

When my father-in-law lost his job, I emailed, or Facebook messaged him regularly to see how I could pray for him. I read his MTh thesis, tried to connect over politics and history, listened to most of the talks that they gave at their church, helped with said ministry resources, listened to their problems, made meals for them, drove 6 hours to deliver a Christmas package at the height of the pandemic when my mother-in-law was incredibly sick, and the restrictions prevented us all from visiting. Oh yeah, when my wife happens to be working on their birthdays, I usually take the initiative to get the girls to call them.

And at the beginning of the pandemic, I regularly emailed to see how they were. I was legitimately concerned about their health, the isolation and even how it affected them spiritually. I sent links to sermons and even invited my father-in-law (3 times) to an international online men's Bible study that my dad and I were doing. I got nothing in return from my father-in-law, not even a thank you. You can see one of the invites here.

What I did get in return, however, was a vitriolic spray about how people are stupid, believing a lie and how the church is powerless and living in fear. Yup, an angry spray with zero concern shown to others or even their nearby family.

Then there was my email politely asking them to reconsider getting the vaccine out of nothing but love and concern. That ended up being a really bad mistake on my part, as I was met with a disgusting passive-aggressive response in regard to an inheritance from my mother-in-law. We have never expected or come to my in-laws for any financial help – ever! But my mother-in-law likes to use money to flex her authority (more on that below).

Disrespect (and needing to fix)

A key example of this is the event that led me to have a nervous breakdown just before Easter in 2017.

At that time, I was working with at-risk kids for a Christian social non-profit. Though it was stressful and hard with all the brokenness, at times difficult with some of the team dysfunction, it was the most rewarding job I had ever had. I absolutely loved it. At this time, we were having some major discipline issues with a few of the kids. As a staff team, we went through some frustrating times trying to navigate these issues. Very frustrating times. My mother-in-law got wind of this and decided to take it upon herself to deal with the situation. Yes, you can probably guess where this is going.

She decided to write a very inflamed and accusative letter to the executive director of the non-profit – based incorrectly on the bits and pieces that she had heard from my wife. Lots of bold text and underlining to get her point across – like a tantruming child. Lots of errors and misconceptions that really became ungodly slander toward my manager (and co-workers) at the time.

And going back to the money thing – she also threatened to stop donating to them. Money was used as a weapon again, similar to the 'inheritance' attack on my wife and me during the pandemic.

(If the above doesn't load, you can read the letter here.)

This is a good example of the disrespect we are always shown because “Mother knows best” – to quote the song from Disney's Tangled. In their eyes, I could not do the job I was actually good at, so they had to step in and save the day. There are further examples of this attitude throughout the years below.

“If there is any way we can help you “fix it”, we would be more than willing to do so.”

Wow! Can you say Messiah complex?

But that is their attitude towards life, including our small family. If anything doesn't conform to their expectations...then it needs fixing.

Furthermore, this all happened after my wife specifically asked her TWICE not to get involved. She didn't even call me to clarify any of it. She just wrote the letter and sent it.

What was even worse was the ungodly pride and justification of her actions in her response to us after she did the deed. See the image below (click to enlarge):

It is funny, in a cringe-worthy kind of way, that she said “Reliable Source.” How is gleaning from the already selective tidbits my wife has told you considered reliable? They just believed what they wanted to believe – without any verification. Without any thought or prayerful consideration.

Then there is the whole “hiding” or “protecting” the source of information thing. Like that would work. I was on a small staff team... This “source” was always going to get revealed.

Think about it – if you need to hide it – isn't that a clear indication that it might be wrong? That your actions might not actually show integrity and godly character? That you weren't actually listening to the Holy Spirit in this instance? I personally don't think the Holy Spirit produces fruit in the form of arrogance, gracelessness and self-centred impulsivity.

Well, no surprises there, as everything blew up. I was branded a gossip and someone who sows discord, someone who is disloyal and disrespects leadership (if you know me well enough, you know that this caricature is not true). I was mercilessly mocked for supposedly getting my mother-in-law to do my dirty work. That is absolutely not true. I lost some really good friends who I prayed with and shared dreams about ministry with. I didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids I worked with for almost 4 years. I lost my community, reputation, and career – all because my in-laws had that messiah complex and made my job about them. And let's not forget the consequences it also had for the ministry, other staff and the kids involved. Their horrible selfishness affected a lot of people, not just our family.

I feel absolute shame and fear when I talk to church folk about my previous ministry. Church circles are small. Word has got around. I don't think I could ever work in ministry in this province again because of my tarnished reputation because of their actions.

It shouldn't be like that in the church, but unfortunately, it is. Thanks mom.

There is another example that I will share further on, in regards to spiritual abuse, but it also applies here too. They wrote a letter to my parents years before, trying to enlist their help in dissuading us from going to a particular country as missionaries. Purely because my judgment and assessment of the situation were wrong in their eyes (not to mention the spiritual aspect of their argument).

Once again, they couldn't show me respect by coming and talking to me about it. Like always, choosing not to listen or understand, choosing to fix and circumvent my wife and me because of their pride. Constantly filling their need to be right, in control via manipulation and have some form of authority over us.

We have actually got numerous letters like that over the years... One might think that they don't trust us enough with our lives.

My wife has also had to deal with a lot of this kind of behaviour regarding parenting. She is often met with criticism because something isn't right with our kids or with unsolicited advice from the worse possible sources via my mother-in-law. Usually, this advice comes from one of her friends, who has a highly dysfunctional family.

Like really?!? We aren't taking advice from a woman whose daughter, by your own telling, took out a restraining order and looked to emancipate herself from her mother.

But because she is a “church” friend, she seemingly has spiritual clout or something, and we just needed to listen to her advice. Go figure.

So what's the fruit of all of this? Hmm...

These events led to a very public meltdown in front of my children when we were out doing a family activity. I don't remember much outside of sitting fully clothed in the shower bawling or afterwards laying on the bed with my concerned mum and dad trying to get through to me over the phone. Something that day broke inside of me. It was a long time coming, and I don't think I have ever really recovered from it.

Then there is also the strain on my marriage because of it. We have had to fight hard to get through the pain, and I'm just thankful that I married probably the most gracious, loving and loyal woman imaginable.

Shot Through The Heart – The Spirtual Abuse {↑}

I will be upfront and blunt with this – my in-laws are spiritually abusive. They will take the things of faith – amazingly good things from God – and turn them into a mechanism of shame and condemnation. They will twist the truths of the Gospel, the Character of God and one's own spiritual identity to manipulate and tear down.

I think the following tweets from psychologist Diane Langberg highlight this fact pretty well:

I recently learned during a conversation with my wife and her parents that even before they had met me, they were questioning my faith and upbringing based on the church tradition that I was brought up in.

I came from a good Christian family. My dad was a church elder. My mum was the church secretary. Faith was central to my upbringing. My parents modelled Christlike love and service throughout my entire early life. Generosity, humility and pastoral care. My family isn't perfect either. We have our issues also. Like any family, there is sin and a desperate need for God's grace.

My dad, who would cringe at me saying this, exemplified what a pastor (and the pastoral gift) looked like even – though he “officially” wasn't one. He just lovingly served and cared for people. My dad influenced me so much in that regard, more than any other Godly man has throughout my life.

Titles and ordinations don't mean a thing if you don't have godly character, love and humility behind them. Too many crappy people have the title “pastor” before their name. Unqualified, spiritually immature men and women who lack godly character, desire power, and have no sense of emotional or social intelligence. People like this should not be leaders in the church – in fact, they shouldn't be a leader in any venue. Period.

Now I hate that I must defend myself, my family of origin and my upbringing this way. However, my in-laws have had so many misconceptions about me from day one. They pigeonholed me and decided that I was a heathen long before they had even met me. They have continually torn me down with their words and actions over the years based on this twisted view of who I am and the family that I came from.

Not only does this affect how they see me, but it also affects how they see their grandkids. My supposedly “bad” spiritual upbringing has led my wife and me to do the same with our girls. My mother-in-law is the worst at pointing that out with her subtle digs – “Maybe they need Jesus” – to every problem imaginable. Not helpful.

This attitude and ensuing abuse happened pretty early in our marriage. A good example is when my wife and I returned home from a young adult's missions conference in the US. Our love for taking the Gospel to the nations is what brought us together in the first place. We wanted to be missionaries and returned from this conference pretty pumped.

A week after we returned home, I got an email from my mother-in-law that basically went along these lines: “I forbid you to take my daughter on the mission field because you have not experienced the baptism of the Spirit as evidenced by speaking in tongues. And because you are not born of the Spirit, God will never bless any ministry work of your hands.”

Umm, Thank you?!?

This is nothing but shaming and condemning. Being manipulative. Nothing but spiritual gaslighting with the intent to lead someone to question their own identity in the Lord, their salvation and exert control over them. Using what I consider a toxic and twisted spiritual means to prey on and manipulate someone to do their self-centred will. To push a person to conform to a worldly expectation (that word again) instead of conformity (and obedience) to Christ.

We can have differing opinions on secondary theological issues, such as spiritual gifts. That doesn't make anyone less of a believer than the next person. The same can be said with non-spiritual issues such as politics also.

I think we have lost the ability for grace-filled discourse on issues, whether spiritual or not. We are too dogmatic on the lesser issues of faith while neglecting the more important ones – or, as Jesus would say – those things that are more “weightier.” We are way too quick to trade holiness and brotherly love for the ability to win an argument. Usually, an argument that doesn't really bare on the Kingdom or eternity anyway.

You see, we can have orthodox (right) belief, serve in Christian ministry, have an emotional “worshipful” connection and even have God do the miraculous through us – and even after all of that – at the gates of eternity, we can still hear Christ say “I never knew you; depart from me...” (Matt 7:21-23)

This is a sobering verse that should kill any form of religious dogma and remind us of the fact that only a relationship with Christ matters.

For the record: I don't adhere to the Pentecostal doctrine that the baptism of the Holy Spirit is evident through the speaking of tongues. But I do believe that the full gambit of spiritual gifts, including tongues and prophecy, are active today and are to be exercised in the church according to what is laid out in Scripture.

I am also more of a believer that the Spirit is evident in a person by the fruits (of the Spirit) they exhibit. Fruit that is produced by abiding in Christ (John 15).

I believe that the gifts of the Spirit have much less to do with flexing a supernatural power and authority but rather are seen as a means to equip the believer to exalt Christ. To make Him look great.

Often, as is the case with my in-laws, “Spiritual Power” is conflated with worldly power (namely political), authority and dominance.

I have tried to be very charitable with my in-law's beliefs in this area. I have never made it a matter of first importance, used it as a weapon, or questioned their salvation. I sat and listened to all the Benny Hinn and John Hagee sermons they put on the TV in those early days. I read a lot of the books that they were reading. All with a humble view to learn and better understand. I watched and read Kenneth Copeland and Andrew Wommack when they jumped on those bandwagons. I approached it all with humility and openness. An openness that God might still teach me something new about himself... even though, after some robust examination, I fundamentally disagree with a lot of the theology that was being expounded by these teachers.

Again, my in-laws never approached me or what I believed in this way. I was instantly wrong, and they were always right. Always making sure they were seen as being correct and spiritually superior. I just needed to submit and conform to their will.

In their eyes, I was some project that needed to be spiritually fixed.

Though I do not have that original email anymore (the missionary one), this email was sent to my parents in Australia only a few months later. I think it underscores well the spiritual abusiveness of my in-laws and shows that it was there from the very beginning of the relationship.

Before I unpack all of this, I want to say that I understand the fear that my in-laws felt in regard to the mission field and the particular country mentioned in this letter. I witnessed my own mother work through this fear when I first went there in 2004. My mum, however, got to that place of release through much prayer, trust in the Lord and by doing a world missions course with me as I prepared for my trip. My dad even did the course after I came back. I am ever so thankful for the peace that the Lord gave them, as well as their prayerful support when I went.

They took the time to listen and understand. Not abuse and manipulate through some over-dramatic and hyper-spiritualized means. Not question my judgment and knowledge of the country and issues there; or my leadership or faith.

It's a tale of two very different families and almost Shakespearian in nature with it's contrast.

Honestly, I think it's a bit rich being told that I know nothing about the people or the Gospel work in a country that I had actually lived in for a time – especially by someone who has never travelled beyond Disneyland or who doesn't keep up with world events outside of what my Father-in-law deems newsworthy from his echo chamber.

Here's the thing with this email, though; my wife and I were nowhere close to going abroad to do missionary work. We never started any process. Yes, it was a common love that we both shared (and it is what brought us together in the first place). And yes, we talked about it a lot – my missionary trip, her missionary trips, and us dreaming about where God might call us to in the future. We were young and passionate about our faith.

We had never decided on a particular country, region or people group. We were still in the process of prayerfully working these things out. In fact, the Lord led us into pastoral ministry in CANADA a month after this email was sent.

My in-laws over-sensationalized a possible scenario and made it into some form of “Chicken Little” hysteria by trying to manipulate us into not going and to gaslight my parents into helping them intervene. Manipulating using fear. Their fear.

I can see the irony here, too – they belittled people over “fear” during the pandemic, yet they are allowed to “conveniently” show fear here. Solely because it benefits them. This is so self-centred and hypocritical.

My Father-in-law did the same to my Sister In-law when she had planned to go to Africa early during the pandemic. Carrying on and bemoaning – nothing but manipulation born out of fear.

Something that I have learned over the years is that the weight of hyper-spiritualized guilt can be overwhelming and crushing. And that's the point. That is why they use it. It's about pure power and control.

Though the original email (after the conference) was pretty abrasive & blunt, this one was more of a veiled shot at the same things – namely, my faith, judgment and spiritual maturity. You can see this easily in the sentence:

“If this is of Him at all.”

In 7 simple words, my mother-in-law has questioned our faith and whether we are actually filled with and being led by the Spirit. More so, she questioned our judgment. It's the same horrid Satanic lie as in the first email – just cloaked and sent to my parents instead. Again, who belittles someone's child and their faith and self-worth?

Then there is the gross misquoting and hyper-spiritualization of the “three confirmations” thing from Scripture. None of which actually function (in the Biblical sense) the way my in-laws use it.

Upon my research, most of the passages of Scripture that get “cherry-picked” to form the basis of these three witnesses/confirmation beliefs; all have to do with accountability in the community of faith.

Again, I think there is some form of irony there.

That said, I think the premise behind it still holds. I actually like it. It's a good and spiritually mature thing to do – to prayerfully seek God's leading – which my wife and I try to do when making our decisions.

But just because my in-laws don't agree with something doesn't mean God isn't in it. That's pretty crass and arrogant. This is just a form of Pharisaism. It is more of their religious superiority complex.

Then there is their patronizing explanation to my believing parents. What's the theological equivalent of “mansplaining”?

This whole three-confirmation thing reeks of hypocrisy too. Throwing this belief at us is just another convenient way to use the Holy Spirit to manipulate us.

Let's be honest here; there is no way that my mother-in-law, with all her reckless impulsivity, seeks 3 confirmations before she sends any of her letters and emails. There is just no way.

If she had done so and prayerfully sought God's leading before she wrote much of the stuff she has over the years – then I wouldn't be writing this post about all the hurt and abuse, would I?

This example of spiritual abuse is based purely on hypocrisy and convenience.

Then, there is my mother-in-law's quip about “standing opposed.” You know what? We are freaking adults, a married couple, no longer under the authority of our parents. Only God. That is the whole point of that “leave and cleave” thing in Scripture. You can stand opposed all you want. It wouldn't have made a lick of difference. We strive to be obedient to God, first and foremost.

And that's the thing – I don't think they once came alongside us and prayed in 16 years. Not a single instance of them praying with us to know God's will for our lives or our family. Just some abusive, manipulative hyper-spiritual crap that is about what they want, what they think is best. Not once asking, “how can we be praying for you”?

This whole scenario illustrates some major spiritual pride issues and blindness. It is clear that being led by the Spirit is only second to their need for control, their desire for (worldly) power and authority, and the self-importance that comes with that.

Ironically, I believe the Spirit frees us from such desires and brings us into submission under Christ.

Years later, we see this kind of thing happen again. This time, we went through the adoption process with our oldest daughter. They contacted my parents via phone call to enlist their help in persuading us not to adopt a special needs or native child through our local child and family services.

Once again, they attempted to gaslight my parents with hyper-spiritualized language and a twisted lie about God not being in this adoption process. In their eyes, this adoption is outside God's will and will make life hard for our family.

What they really mean is “their” family.

Reading between the lines – they have their prejudices and don't want you to poke at them with how you're living your life ...even if your life is being faithfully and prayerfully led by God. It is easier to manipulate the narrative about someone else, so you don't have to deal with your shortcomings, sins and need for God's grace.

A child with a disability. A native kid. Or going back to that earlier email -taking the Gospel to those horrible, dangerous Muslims. You'll also see later on, in my bit, about my father-in-law's recent sermon – these prejudices also extend to anyone who is not politically conservative to the same extent as him. You differ the slightest, and you are viewed as “a dirty liberal or heathen.”

Don't believe me? Look at my FIL's Facebook posts.

Anyway, all these things make them squirm and feel very uncomfortable. Even with the explicit commands in Scripture to do these things – care for the orphan, go to the nations with the Gospel etc. – they will twist the things of faith to avoid what we as believers are actually called to do in Christ.

It is funny that people can use the Holy Spirit as an excuse to be disobedient and not follow the will of God.

As I process and write about all of the above, this is my major takeaway:

The abuse has never been about conformity to Christ. It has never actually been about where I am in my faith or my spiritual identity. It is simply about conformity to their will, worldly aspirations and meeting their self-serving agenda. It reflects what captivates their heart.

So, back to that original email: How has it affected things over the years?

If I'm being honest, I didn't really think too much of it at the time. Its effect only became apparent many years later when we were going through the hurt that we experienced in my last pastoral charge (as mentioned above). During that dark time, I had planned to take my life. To hang myself in the basement when my wife and kids weren't home. I even got as far as rigging up the noose.

In that darkest of times, my mother-in-law's words from that email came flooding back. It led me to believe that the traumatic events in our last church resulted from my standing with the Lord. A lack of His blessing. His disapproval. It was a satanic and insidious lie whispered in the dark.

By the grace of God, I could not go through with it. However, this toxic pattern is still continuing today.

Two years ago, my mother and sister-in-law came down to look after the girls so my wife and I could get away for a couple of days to celebrate our wedding anniversary. That was generous of them, and we were thankful for the opportunity.

As you can tell, my wife and I have very different spiritual and moral values from my in-laws. We clearly asked before we went away that they would refrain from speaking to the girls about anything spiritual. They agreed, and so we went.

When we got home, and only after they hastily left, we found out from our daughters that my mother-in-law took it upon herself to give an emotional retelling of the tower of Babel story because the girls argued.

What became apparent when the girls were replaying what was said was that my mother-in-law twisted the story in an attempt to manipulate and shame the girls into a certain behaviour.

“If you fight, you won't be able to accomplish anything!”

That's not even remotely close to what the biblical story is about... or how the book portrays it. You can watch the actual story from the book here.

Yes, fighting is bad. Our home isn't built on chaos. But it's part of life together and kids growing up. This was a graceless abuse of authority and, in my opinion, more spiritual gaslighting – this time aimed at our children.

I'm thankful that my girls know and understand the true Gospel message of that story.

Anyway, when my wife called out my in-laws on what had happened, my mother-in-law confessed to willingly disrespecting our wishes. But what was even more astounding, in a follow-up email, was the fact that she doubled down on it and essentially told us that she was a teacher (in the spiritual sense) and that it was her right to impart spiritual stuff to her grandchildren.

Wow! The sense of entitlement. I DO NOT want my children to share in the same enslaving, destructive and life-draining faith as my inlaws. Look at this entire post... does any of this scream “a faithful witness” that one should emulate? Look at the hurt that we have experienced firsthand.

She misused the Jesus' storybook bible, which lays out the Gospel in each story; in a very straightforward way. You cannot get it wrong if you read it as is. But she decided to ab-lib and twist the story. Take the Gospel and twist it into some form of manipulative false teaching to get the girls to stop fighting.

But that's at the heart of all the hurt we have experienced over 16+ years. It's this narcissism, spiritual pride and this religious superiority that my in-laws have.

That they have some special calling, knowledge or power from the Holy Spirit that gives them the authority to do and say what they want. Often selfishly, impulsively, unlovingly, and without any thought to how it might wound.

Like the Pharisee beating his chest in self-exaltation while disparaging others.

My father-in-law said as much in his sermon – that he was “born into fire” or some spiritualized ego garbage like that.

Pride and entitlement are at the core of narcissism.

Unfortunately, this event led to things spiralling out of control again and triggered me to seek help. I was so angered that the same behaviour that had detrimentally affected me over the years was now used on my children. A twisting of the Scriptures to manipulate.

And it's not just our little family that has experienced this destructive behaviour. It's a toxic pattern that has been seen throughout their relationships with other family members, friends, and church folk. It even led to them getting kicked out of the para-church ministry they were volunteering with. Ironically, for disrespecting that ministry's leadership and sowing discord. And we came to this conclusion based solely on what my in-laws, themselves, had told us about the incident. It was glaringly obvious as we listened.

Let me be clear: the Holy Spirit doesn't make you an asshole. Please excuse my language. It doesn't leave a multitude of spiritually and emotionally broken people behind the proverbial bus that you are driving. The Holy Spirit isn't a weapon to club the sheep over the head with; to exert control through spiritual disparaging; nor is the Holy Spirit used as a “temple prostitute” for our own gratification or to satisfy our lust for power, control or worldly significance. It does not bring about spiritual ecstasy in the form of a power trip.

(Note: If you are getting ecstasy from a power trip, then you might just be a sociopath)

In all that has happened, I cannot help but wonder, how does all of this point to the greatness of Christ? It doesn't. If I were an unbelieving on-looker or family member, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with this garbage. I can fully understand why many people are antagonistic toward the Christian faith.

I have a godly mate who has listened to me share about this abuse over the years. He has listened, prayed and given wise counsel. He has repeatedly given me a loving rebuke as I have struggled with many lies my in-laws have spoken over me.

I can actually hear him now as I write this – “Dave, those are all a lie from the pit of Hell!”

It has taken me 16+ years to realize that these words are all a lie; that there is no truth in them at all; that the gateway to that hellish pit has been, unfortunately, the lips of my in-laws.

Another good indication that they aren't fit for church leadership...

Read Between the Lies – Abused From the Pulpit. {↑}

Recently, one of the most hurtful events happened when my father-in-law did some pulpit supply at the church that they attend.

I'll be honest: My Father-in-law's sermon was everything I expected. A theological and abusive trainwreck. It was probably one of the worst sermons that I have ever heard. I don't think you can even call it a sermon, let alone “Christian.” It was basically a far-right political diatribe, an extension of his Facebook ranting; pushing an angry, loveless and hyper-spiritualized political worldview; bemoaning how he and my mother-in-law were persecuted because of COVID; while at the same time doing a lot of self-exaltation.

Basically, it was a giant man-tantrum from the pulpit.

It was horribly political, also. Heavily influenced by (North) American exceptionalism, white Christian nationalism & the prosperity gospel. In my opinion, an unholy trinity that is the antithesis of the Kingdom and beauty of the Gospel that Jesus preached.

It, unfortunately, highlights the level of political idolatry in some Christian circles. And there is a lot of it in my inlaw's circles. Adhering to conservative politics (and hating Liberals) is kin to the baptism of the Spirit in most cases.

Boy does it make me want to vomit... 🤮 🤮 🤮

Did I mention there was a lot of self-exaltation happening from the pulpit also? So much talk about himself... his “opinions.” And even less about Jesus.

To be very blunt, this sermon was nothing but false teaching. My father-in-law is a false teacher. I cannot escape this fact after hearing this sermon. The Holy Spirit leads faithful preachers to proclaim and exalt Christ, not exalt themself. It does not push any political agenda – left or right – no matter how much one tries to reconcile politics with things of the Kingdom. What was preached was a horrible distortion of the Gospel. Loveless, entitled, self-exalting and without the hope of Jesus.

Also, you cannot supposedly preach on end times, trying to make sense of our current times, without preaching about the hope that is found in Jesus.

Yes, I know that I'm being very uncharitable with my assessment. But the preaching of the Word is a serious thing. It is something that I'm called to. It is something that I am very passionate about. I always have been. The Spirit in me is grieved by this kind of garbage; horrible lies and distortions peddled as the Gospel. The Gospel is non-negotiable. It is of first importance, unlike those secondary issues mentioned above. Plus, Scripture is very clear about the consequences of (unrepented) preaching of another gospel.

Like I have said numerous times above already, there are a lot of unqualified people who have titles, who are in leadership and who are out there “preaching” that shouldn't be doing so. Sorry but my Father-in-law is one of them. I literally threw up a little when he was introduced as “Pastor” before taking the pulpit.

Preaching is not about you getting your 15-60 minutes of fame; or a platform where you can push your hyper-spiritualize political opinions beyond your 20 Facebook followers.

Can you tell that I'm majorly irked by the (lack of) “theological content” of this sermon?

It is also a major red flag when you talk about yourself more than Jesus in a sermon. When you have to self-affirm your (prophetic) gifting and supposed “Spiritual Authority” more than preaching the glorious riches of the Gospel. Even in a testimony – Jesus is the hero of YOUR story. He still should be the focus. He should still be the one exalted.

I'm sorry, but my in-laws aren't pastors, preachers or prophets. Their witness, their actions and their words over the years come as a direct contradiction to how a supposedly spirit-filled believer should act. It's all about power and control for them. I'm majorly grieved by what has been done by them in the name of the Lord.

Back to the sermon...

There was also very little Scripture used in the sermon, except for a handful of those hyper-charismatic dog-whistle verses that contain words like “power,” “authority,” “prosper,” “prophesy,” “bind,” etc. – often grossly misquoted and taken out context.

However, sprinkling in these verses like Tinker Bell's fairy dust, it somehow makes even the most Gospel-anemic talk seem like you're bringing the roaring fire of the Spirit. 🔥🔥🔥

But what was equally troubling was the fact that the church and its leadership gave my father-in-law a platform to preach this garbage in the first place. From what I understood from the sermon, the Senior Pastor knew what would be said and he allowed it. Totally reprehensible. A shepherd protects the sheep and does not allow wolfish behaviour and false teaching to be spewed from the pulpit.

I think Diane Langberg hits the nail on the head:

I'm just thankful the church had the sense to take the sermon down from its Youtube channel.

Now for what really shocked us...

In his “sermon,” my Father-in-law decided to make an example of my wife and me. He said a lot of disparaging and hurtful things that were mainly based on a bunch of lies or sensationalized half-truths. He made an example of us as a means to suit his political agenda. We became one big sermon illustration to fit his hyper-spiritualized political narrative.

Firstly, as I said above, we never cut them off because of COVID. However, he repeatedly stressed this point in the sermon. We genuinely pursued them and tried to keep in contact with them. I'll explain it again like a broken record – I drove a care package for six hours. I wrote emails. My wife went up and cleaned their house. Yes, we followed the government guidelines. This was not done out of fear or because we had bought into a dark lie, as it was stated in the sermon.

Rather, we believed (and still do) that it was an opportunity to show God's love and be a good neighbour in the midst of a world filled with turmoil and upheaval. Even when we got those vitriolic responses to our caring emails – any pushback from us was along those lines – we were graciously firm in communicating how we believed God was leading us to “love others” by following the restrictions.

But remember – if your life and how you're living don't conform to theirs, well, then you are wrong; you might even be seen as following Satan. Yes, that was alluded to in the sermon, also.

The only other COVID-related thing that I can think of was us asking them to consider how it would make our children feel if they gave their grandparents the virus.

I think that was a fair ask. I think it's alright to ask “supposedly” spiritually mature adults to consider someone other than themselves. Actually, I think the Apostle Paul wrote something along those lines in Philippians 2.

It was not the grand-scale persecution that my father-in-law made out in his sermon. It did not stop us from visiting them when an opportunity presented itself. We still visited them over the course of the pandemic. Even stayed at their house.

Remember, they stopped visiting us 2 years before the pandemic had even hit. They never took up our invitation to regularly call ... so no, we didn't persecute them.

And still, to this day, my Father-in-law continues to rage-farm on Facebook about how the government wronged him/them during Covid etc. – long after restrictions have been lifted.

As I said, it's just a tantrum.

Now for the kicker...

Any “cutting them off” was due to some boundaries that weren't being respected and because of the ongoing abuse. Therefore, we decided to distance ourselves. It was not because of COVID. We communicated that as such. They chose not to believe it, and he twisted that truth in his sermon.

Back to the sermon...

You could almost hear the disdain in my father-in-law's words when he talked about my wife and her profession in light of Covid during his sermon... “My RN daughter told us to do the responsible thing” (or something along those lines).

Is caring about someone such a bad thing? He chose to show public disdain and mockery for his daughter, who worked hard during the pandemic serving others. It wasn't a fabricated conspiracy – I heard the stories and saw the toll it took on her; the sleepless nights, the stress and the tears. If he had even cared to call and ask, he wouldn't be making these kinds of comments in a public forum, let alone a community of faith.

No consideration whatsoever. Such a loveless and crass remark. It's a disgusting trait to unfairly stomp over someone as a means to elevate yourself... especially when you stomp on your faith-believing daughter.

My father-in-law then proceeded to retell an event that happened in March. Yes, I was majorly irked. Yes, I did not want to visit with them as I had recently found out from my wife (and her entire family) that a lot of the issues that I have outlined in this post pre-dated my arrival in Canada. That I was doomed to be spiritually and emotionally abused by my in-laws from the onset. Torn down literally from day one.

It was hard news to take after going through it for 16 years. I felt majorly betrayed by “family” over here. I actually got to that place of contemplating suicide again (this past year) because of the continual hurt from them.

So yes, I was a little edgy. And yes, I could have acted a little differently. But it's not like I went crazy on anyone... I didn't even raise my voice. I just refused to come inside.

In his retelling, he told this seemingly beautiful story of God using my children to melt my heart as I came into the house. Apparently, them coming over, hugging me and asking me questions provided a much-needed spiritual breakthrough at the moment.

Barf! 🤮 That sounds like some crappy Hallmark movie.

It is a very common thing in our family that when we enter the house, even after the shortest of time apart, we as parents engage with our children. We talk with them. We hug and kiss them. We ask how they are doing. I am unashamedly affectionate and encouraging with my children. It is a normal, everyday part of our lives.

Isn't this a normal family thing?!?! I must be naive.

This story, as told by him, is nothing more than another unhealthy dose of gaslighting. He is taking a very normal thing in the life of our small family and hyper-spiritualizing it, once again, to fit his narrative and elevate his illusion of spiritual grandeur. Remember, he was “born into fire.” 🙄

He was over-sensationalizing a normal thing that any aspiring godly parent would do with their children. It wasn't a spiritual breakthrough but a normal rhythm of our everyday lives. An act of everyday grace that doesn't need to be publicized as something super spiritual from the pulpit.

If my in-laws had taken any interest in our family – they would have known that this is how we do life together. God does amazing things in the boring ordinariness of life – it doesn't always have to rain down “Holy Spirit fire” from Heaven.

And God is just as present in the quiet everyday routines that we find ourselves in.

Anyway, he then moved on to recount the conversation that followed between them and me. This was very hard to listen to because he was very selective in what he retold and was even dishonest about some of the things he did choose to share. A lot of it was a twisted narrative.

From my perspective, we talked. I got to share how detrimental my mother-in-law's email(s) and their critical nature had been over the years. How their lack of support really hurt our small family. Their constant obsession with our material prosperity. Blah blah blah, you get my drift.

There were the usual apologies, excuses and tears from them – the standard response anytime we try to address any of these issues with my in-laws. We gave a goodbye hug and went home. That's the extent of it. Things were said, but no resolution or heart change was made.

And we constantly do this dance with my in-laws; it is freaking exhausting and demoralizing and often comes with the same results. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over?

Yes, every time, we pray and hope that this will be the time that things will change for the better. Obviously, after listening to this sermon – we were wrong. Again.

I found it very hypocritical and devastating that in his recap of this event, he talked about me believing a lie, believing/following the dark side.

In fact, throughout his entire sermon, this is what he inferred when he talked about my wife and me... That, we are constantly living in the dark, essentially following Satan because we chose to respond to world events quite differently from him and my mother-in-law. God could have given Jen and me a booming audible “voice from Heaven” with a command to act the way we did – and still, my in-laws would cry foul and spiritually tear us down.

Again, this is another good example of their spiritual superiority complex and spiritual deafness. More of their chest-thumping Pharisaism.

Furthermore, any sincerity and hope of reconciliation that came out of that March meeting was essentially destroyed by that sermon.

Didn't I spend all of that time in March explaining the devastating effects of that email? The devastating hurt, over the years, brought on by your questioning of my faith? And now you go and do the same thing in a sermon... You were quick to point out the lies that I believe... but you forgot to tell people who the mouthpiece was that repeatedly spoke them over me, over our family.

Actually, this sermon was a lot worst than the email. The email, at least, was private. My father-in-law, wanting to elicit both sympathy and adulation through his twisted narrative, did it in a public venue. A church.

He chose to vilify and tear my wife and me down in front of other believers, all in an attempt to exalt himself and push his politics. That is disgusting. That is a new level of horridness and evil, even for my in-laws.

Finally, the absence of what I actually said in his recollection is quite telling. Though he was quick to publicly tear me down and point out all of my failings – there is no acknowledgement of their part in any of this.

Did they tell the church about all the crushing letters they have written over the years? No.

The pain and their constant spiritual attacks on us? No.

It's the justification of their sin by its omission. By ignoring it. By minimizing it. Often it's blame-shifted onto us to hide their sin. Obfuscation of the truth in an attempt to “keep up appearances.” Acting like the consummate politicians who spin-doctor the details, or they just outright lie. Again, in an attempt to save face and keep their authority and control.

Fabricating the narrative to suit their own agenda. Very politician-like...

One last thing has majorly bugged me as I have processed all of this – the events, the various correspondence and my father-in-law's sermon. It's something that I haven't really been able to put my finger on until now...

Over the years, I have pretty much given my father-in-law a “free pass” with a lot of the hurt that has been done to us. We have always assumed that the vocal and seemingly opinionated one, who writes all the letters, is my mother-in-law.

I have always thought that my father-in-law was just a passive participant in all of her schemes, just going along with it, allowing his name to be willingly added to the horrible stuff that she says and writes.

However, after hearing the lies and disparaging comments in his sermon, I can now see that he has been complicit in the abuse, if not the one driving it...

Here are another couple of examples...

Remember, I said my FIL heavily influences and controls the flow of information for my mother-in-law. I once responded to something they had done with an email pointing out they were being very emotionally and spiritually abusive. I used those exact words. In one of my MIL's vitriolic reactions to something, she accused my wife and me of calling them “Child Molesters.”

We have never used that language or called anyone that, let alone my inlaws.

So, where did this thought come from?!? Why use this language when we didn't use it?

This whole “child molester” chirp is a good indication of the worldly conspiracy theories that my Father-in-law believes. A heart captivated by bad theology and bad politics. Twisting his reality. Beliefs that prey on his grievances and fuel his sense of entitlement.

Even more so, he was sensationalizing this belief to emotionally manipulate. My FIL didn't fully (and correctly) relay the message of our email to my MIL. He lied. He twisted what was said and gaslit his wife. Based on that lie, he got her mad and allowed her to spew vitriol on us.

Who the hell does that?!?!

Again, it makes you wonder how much of the content and hurt in this post was due to his machinations. How much of his gaslighting has led to my MIL hurting so many people over the years with her letters, emails and messages?

After my MIL passed away in 2024, my FIL wrote this large multi-page document that detailed his actions (or lack of actions) during the last few months of my MIL's life.

When it came to his recount of the day she died, he wrote about my wife's reaction...

Except, this was a fabrication—a lie. This is him taking my wife's grief and twisting it to suit his narrative—another attempt to gaslight.

He is an emotionally abuse twat. A narcissist. The last 18 years is starting to make more sense in light of all this...

Words as A Weapon – Insincerity & Narcissism {↑}

You might think that I'm being unloving and uncharitable by sharing all of this, and you might be right.

But what I want to make clear is that my wife and I have always sought to follow the Bible by coming to my in-laws to work through the hurt, seek reconciliation and see the relationship restored. We try hard always to forgive even though this pattern of toxicity and hurt keeps repeating.

Unfortunately, when we do, we are met with a change of subject that focuses on their misery and hardships or a long stretch of silence with no contact as a punishment or are told that we are being oversensitive and overreacting. Hmm... does any of this look like an overreaction?

I have even had my Father-in-law tell us he is too old to change. Not too old – just unwilling. Unwilling because it would mean focusing on someone other than himself.

At the crux of it, we rarely get a sincere apology and are often made to feel that it is our fault or that it's not a big deal.

My father-in-law has never offered an apology for any of the hurt; it's always come from my mother-in-law. When the thing went down with my job, I sent him a message asking why they did what they did. I never got a response. Absolute silence from him. You'd think the Holy Spirit or at least a little bit of human empathy (or shame) would have elicited a response, an apology or something. But deep down, just as my mother-in-law justified it initially, it is obvious that he feels the same. That they did the right thing. To heck with the consequences – especially if it doesn't come back on them.

Even in my mother-in-law's emotionally abusive letter (see below) in response to our displeasure at the sermon (and its consequences) – they still don't believe they have done anything wrong. Like always, they never take responsibility. They are never held accountable by their church leadership, either. In fact, their current church leadership has supported them through patronizing and condescending responses to us – based on a manipulated half-story from my inlaws.

It's the same old story.

MIL Letter Sept 2022

Actually, this handwritten letter sums up this whole post and the relationship with my in-laws beautifully. It is nothing but another toxic tantrum, a vile piece of emotional manipulation that abdicates any real responsibility for the hurt that has been done. Shifting the blame, once again, to us as the “unforgiving ones” or to my mother-in-law herself, which is actually void of any sincerity in itself. It's just another veiled dig at how horrible my wife and I are for our unforgiveness. That they are constantly subjected to our wrath. This cannot be further from the truth.

She said, “If you are going to blame someone, blame me.”

No, we don't need to blame you for the sermon. You didn't write it. You didn't preach it. He did. He needs to take responsibility for what he said.

And if I'm being honest, my level of grace has been tapped out with all of this. Did my in-laws consider the emotional, spiritual and physical toll of their repeated abuse over the years? The nervous breakdown? Loss of calling and career? The abuse that led to me contemplating and actively preparing to commit suicide? The slow breaking down of my identity over the years with lots of satanic spiritual lies sprouted by them? No! Of course not. They cannot do any wrong. Everything revolves around them!

Yet I'm expected to care deeply about my father-in-law sobbing (which, to a certain level, I do). To care about his seemingly over-the-top emotional reaction to us holding him/them accountable for more hurt and abuse; to apologize for finally standing up for ourselves... This, unfortunately, leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I really have zero emotional capacity left for this manipulative garbage from them.

It is glaringly obvious that narcissism drives this relationship. As I have repeatedly pointed out – it is always about them.

One of the books that have helped me see the pattern the abuse (along with therapy) is Shannon Thomas' Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse. As you have probably noticed, I have already shared some of her tweets in this post, but I really like this quote:

“A Narcissist will run you over and scold you for being in their way. They will endlessly complain about how you damaged their car.”

And this relationship feels like that a lot of the time. The sermon and angry letters all feel like they are scolding us FOR WHAT THEY have done.

Don't Fence Me In – Establishing Boundaries and Creating Distance {↑}

So where does this leave me/us?

Firstly I say, “I Forgive them”. I sincerely mean that, have meant that in the past, and pray regularly for them. I constantly ask the Lord to bless them regardless of their history.

And I do care for my in-laws. In some ways, I still want things to improve and have a good relationship with them (but this desire has diminished lots recently for obvious reasons).

For my children to have a happy and loving relationship with them.

But really, at what cost? They have made it abundantly clear over the years that it's all our fault, that it's our issue to deal with and that this relationship isn't worth the hard work of repentance, reconciliation and restoration.

But forgiveness doesn’t mean you get a blank cheque. It doesn't mean you can abuse someone's grace by repeatedly hurting them, only to demand forgiveness. Do we go to Jesus and DEMAND forgiveness for our sins? I sure hope not. It's graciously given. Not demanded. I'm pretty sure Paul addresses that attitude in Romans 6.

Scripture is also pretty clear, in the context of community, that if someone is repeatedly unrepentant – then we are to distance ourselves from them and their sinful actions (Matt 18:15-20).

I often think about all of this in relation to how I would counsel someone in a marriage after years of repeated abuse with very little effort made in regard to repentance, reconciliation and restoration.

Would I counsel them to stay? No, I wouldn't.

So should we stay in an abusive relationship?

More from Diane Langberg, this time on repentance:

We only ever get shallow apologies from my in-laws. As I have said, we have never been met with repentance. There has never been any concerted effort in regard to change. We just follow the same toxic pattern over and over again.

So, initially, my wife and I got to the point where we needed to put boundaries in place and be strong about communicating and enforcing those boundaries.

Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries are Biblical. Having boundaries does not cheapen the work of repentance or forgiveness in a relationship nor does it hinder a relationship's growth. Boundaries are good.

For me personally and for the sake of my mental health, the plan was that I would no longer stay with them or engage in spiritual matters or worship with them anymore. I have blocked their phone number and email. I have asked my wife not to give them much information about me (out of fear of being “fixed”). I won't allow them to force their opinions, manipulate my wife or drive a toxic wedge into my marriage anymore.

As for the girls, as I mentioned above, I am happy for them to have a relationship with my in-laws. However, this needs to be monitored with strict guidelines, especially in regard to the spiritual stuff. They don't share the same values as my wife and me, so we need to limit their influence in that area. This means that we won't give them unfettered access to the girls over social media or email. This is pretty self-explanatory, given my in-law's history of mean-spirited and nasty writing. It sounds harsh but is needed.

As a side: this was the ONLY mode of communication (email/Social) that we had decided to implement boundaries with regarding our girls. As I previously said, we have encouraged them to call etc. Welcomed it, in fact. But again, we got this constant tantrum that we think they are “child molesters” because we don't capitulate to what they want (in this case, access to social media). Like I said above...

That being said, the boundaries only worked for a time. If I'm being honest, we grew tired and complacent in enforcing them. In part due to the fact that hotel rooms are so freaking expensive – but also because we dropped our guard, foolishly, hoping that things would change for the better.

They weren't willing to accept our wishes or work with us – the sermon was a good example of that.

So, as a result, we have decided to break off contact altogether. It sucks, but it was the last straw. It sucks, but it was the right decision; a very hard decision for my wife, one that was never taken lightly. But we had to do it for the sake of our hearts and our family. We cannot continue to live with this constant emotional and spiritual abuse.

In making this decision, I sought the wise counsel of some godly family and friends. Some were our pastors. Others were godly people that we trust and respected. They all listened to the sermon, and they all said it was horribly abusive. That the sermon was another example in a long line of repeated spiritual and emotional abuse at the hands of my in-laws. I actually had to ask some of them not to contact the pastor of the church on our behalf.

Though we are still very grieved by having to make this decision, there is also a bit of relief (and vindication) that came from receiving that feedback. Relief that we aren't crazy. That we aren't being over-sensitive or easily offended (remember that this is my in-laws' favourite accusation to gaslight us with).

That there is something definitely toxic and dysfunctional happening in this relationship.

For years I have been told that I am the problem. That I have essentially brought a curse/lack of blessing on my family because of my faith. Re-reading that last sentence back to myself... well, it actually sounds highly-irrational and bloody stupid. But that is how ingrained the abuse and lies have been over the years.

In further conversations with those godly friends, I realize now that I would not have found any form of acceptance from my in-laws unless I was just like them.

That any relationship with them would not be based on my proximity to Jesus; my relationship with Him... But rather my proximity to (and acceptance of) their politics, over-the-top religiosity and whether or not they can get what they want out of the relationship.

Even with cutting them off, though, I feel like they have won. It really doesn't affect them outside of their loss of control over us... But its effects will still linger here for a long time to come; our future has been so horribly affected by their sin. Then there is probably a number of unknown effects/consequences that are still to be revealed.

That is what scares me. That, even in the end, this hurt can still cost me everything. Yes, I realize that I'm responsible for its effects; for any of the decisions I have made in response to the hurt. I know that the “buck stops” with me regardless of what they have done – but man Satan has used my in-laws to break me down over the years.... and I think we are only starting to scratch the surface of all the destruction that has occurred.

#Abuse #MentalHealth #PrairieLife #Health