Neon:PrairieLand

abusestory

This post has become a “living document” that gets added to when needed. It details various events with supporting evidence from letters, emails, public talks, and personal journal entries. Though this is a therapeutic endeavour, I must stress that it is of a personal nature, raw with emotion, often from a place of hurt, and highly opinionated. At the same time, it tries to interpret and understand various events and experiences. There is some NSFW language, movie GIFs and many typos and grammatical errors. It can be disjointed in some places as it gets added to occasionally.

This document is not intended to be public-facing (and only meant for me and a select few).

Finally, as this has become a long post, I have provided the following links to break it up and make it easier to come back to specific sections.

Initial Post: Fall 2021 | Last Updated: Winter 2024/25

Intro | Emotional Abuse | Spiritual Abuse | Saying the Quiet Part | Insincerity & Narcissism | Boundaries & Final Thoughts

Where do I start?

A few years ago, I was experiencing a high level of anxiety and thoughts of self-harm, along with some weird physiological stuff (hand tremors and decreased cognitive function). I knew a lot of this was brought on by years of stress and emotional trauma. After another traumatic event, I felt things spiralling further, so I decided to get help. While working with a psychologist alongside my family doctor, I got a diagnosis. I began a treatment program that included therapy, some lifestyle changes, and anti-depression medication.

As I progressed through therapy, a constant pain point kept on reappearing. Toxic people. Toxic relationships. It became apparent that I'm a magnet for toxicity.

Initially, I was worried that I was the toxic one and brought a lot of this onto myself. However, the psychologist explained to me that I was an “empath,” or a highly empathetic person. Empaths tend to leave themselves constantly open to the machinations of toxic people. This made a lot of sense given the history of toxicity that I have experienced with my uncle in Australia, some 'church folk' from my time in ministry and also my in-laws.

I don't have a great relationship with my in-laws. As I unpacked a lot of this stuff, I saw that a lot of the spiritual and emotional trauma in my life has come from their hands.

And It's not that I didn't want to have a good relationship with them. I was excited that I was marrying into a family that supposedly shared the same faith, a father-in-law who enjoyed history, theology and politics, things that I believed were similar values and interests. I was always coming to Canada to marry my beautiful wife, Jen. I had no reservations about that, but these were some of the “extras” that I believed would help make moving to the other side of the world much easier.

I was wrong. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was lacking, insufficient, and disappointing – and as such, they subtly communicated this frequently over the years.

It took me over a decade to admit this, mainly out of fear of hurting my wife as well as being labelled the problem, but the relationship with my in-laws has been both extremely emotional and spiritually abusive. From day one, this relationship was built on a foundation of shame, condemnation, disrespect and manipulation. It has been very soul-crushing and life-draining—a cause of so much pain for me and our small family. As time marched on, I felt my soul, joy, and even health slowly erode with the ebbs and flows of the abuse.

You're Not Worth It – The Emotional Abuse. {↑}

In those early days, I was essentially made to feel worthless (and spiritually favourless) because our family was not affluent.

Material wealth (and power) is very important to my in-laws, especially in regard to the status of spiritual blessing in their lives. Their status with God is reflected in the stuff or influence that they have. Unfortunately, that is the horrible lie of the prosperity gospel. And I hate that we have been measured against that lie.

This was communicated repeatedly by the constant digs about our home and possessions, my wages, and the subtle and unwanted comparisons to more well-off family members. For the longest time, my mother-in-law wouldn't shut up about money and possessions, especially what the 'cousins' had and what we lacked.

I still vividly remember when my mother-in-law drove me to work during that first month in Canada. I was very thankful for the ride, as I still needed to get my driver's license—but boy, did she make it known that the $14.20/hour I was getting was not good enough, even though it was my first job in a new country.

Another good example was when my mum and sister were visiting, and they commented, “My daughter's life hasn't turned out the way she wanted.” They were constantly griping about our small family and life situation. My mum and sister were so hurt by what they heard that they vowed never to revisit them, and I really don't blame them.

Like really?!?! Who does that? Who has the gall to point out to someone's visiting family that their child is worthless? A failure because they don't meet your material expectations?

That being said, my wife has never communicated that she is disappointed in her life.

Fast forward to today. So what if I'm currently a stay-at-home parent? Yes, it's not what I envisioned, but I have worked hard at it and tried to give my family my best. Not perfectly, as I constantly fail, but I do try. It has allowed me to be more involved in my kids' lives – something that many dads don't have. To give love and guidance as best as I can. I did this while trying to return to school, retrain, and change careers. But to them, that doesn't matter.

When I worked in Christian ministry, my in-laws didn't really care. They only ever visited the churches that I pastored twice (and one time was for the dedication of two of my girls). They have yet to listen to any of my sermons. They only ever took an interest in what I was doing if they could get something out of it (e.g. Curriculum, VBS/Soccer Camp stuff) or if there was a problem to fix.

You know, tangible stuff that could bring them praise at their church, in their circles or an increased sense of self-worth and importance.

Don't get me wrong, they (especially my mother-in-law) would occasionally cook a nice meal, mind the girls which allowed us to go on dates or the odd retreat etc. Sporadic acts of kindness, I guess.

Then, some years ago, when everything hit the “proverbial fan” in our last pastorate, we were hurt and needing support. All we got 8 months of silence. Nothing said. No reaching out. No love. We were in one of the darkest of times, reeling from a lot of hurt – with only the love and support of my family 13,500 km away in Australia to rely on.

We desperately needed our family here. They were absent, cold and unloving. Focused only on themselves. We needed their encouragement and support. However, from what my in-laws communicated through their silence and distance – we weren't worth the effort.

The same can be said for the recent COVID-19 pandemic. They barely reached out to see how our family was doing – their daughter, who is a pediatric ICU nurse (who got redeployed twice to work the COVID units) or their grandkids, who had their young lives uprooted. As for me, I got nothing: no calls or emails. No encouragement to see how I was doing at home, teaching 3 kids (one with special needs) as schools went online. The only reaching out that I got from them was related to my job search.

I also don't buy this whole interest in my job search either. In fact, when we were visiting one time, I was studying for a major Infosec certification – something I had been doing for over a year. I tried really hard to use this to connect with my father-in-law in conversation – a guy who has an office wall full of certifications, who has had to repeatedly retrain and upgrade – only to be met with mean-spirited negativity. “It's a waste of money, and you're wasting your time.” You'd think someone with his work history would be a little more supportive and encouraging.

I also had the exam the next day. Did he contact me to see how it went? Absolutely not. (I passed if you're wondering.)

Back to the pandemic, when our family tested positive for COVID in January 2022, we were met with my mother-in-law repeatedly asking, “It's just like a cold, right?”

Thankfully, that first infection was mild. Then, after a week, and only due to the insistence of extended family, did they finally check up on us. Instead of showing concern for us, they were only interested in the validation of their politics or thoughts on COVID. It really hurt to see their political beliefs take precedence over loving their family and showing concern for our well-being.

Furthermore, you'll see throughout this post that my in-laws have spun this grand narrative that we cut them off because of COVID-19. That is absolutely not true. We pursued them a lot, as you will see below.

The truth is, they stopped visiting us two years before COVID. As pointed out above, they have been absent in our lives. Over the years, we have encouraged them to call and set up weekly connections with the girls. But nothing ever comes from it – we are just met with months of silence until they usually want something or need to complain or gossip about someone. On holidays like Christmas, etc., the onus was always on us to travel to them – even when the weather was bad and put our well-being at risk.

Simply put: I feel we weren't worth the time or effort to pursue because we don't meet their expectations or make the relationship solely about them. It's a one-way street for their benefit. Our lives are about boosting their ego and self-worth... not about us following our calling or realizing our dreams.

But I think the most telling sign that we “weren't worth the effort” came out after my mother-in-law passed away in early 2024. Throughout this piece, you will see how broken and dysfunctional our relationship with my in-laws has been.

A major hurt came when we learned about my mother-in-law's “special” relationship with one of her nieces. We heard about the closeness, the love, and the investment and we were left hurt and wondering: “Wasn't our family worth the same investment—especially my wife and the girls?”

Actually, out of all the horrible things that my in-laws have done (and this post is a testament to all of that), this would be up there as one of the worst. It gets my blood boiling and makes me fuming mad.

My wife is deserving of so much more. Love. Care. Investment. By all of us... but especially her Mom and Dad.

Learning this was a cruel final twist of the knife, a horrid cruelness fuelled by simple pettiness and selfishness. “You don't give or do what I want... well, I'll I'm going to withhold that love, care, and investment, and give it to someone else.”

It's freaking horrible.

At the end of it, there was no effort on their part to seek reconciliation with us. We are always expected to swallow our hurt and let them back into our lives without any form of repentance (or apology or acknowledgement of past hurts). Unfortunately, they were defiantly proud, stubborn and absent to the very end.

Now, though I have not always acted honourably and have at times lashed out in my pain, sometimes very angrily – I have sincerely tried to make this relationship work. Yes, I have said stuff. Perhaps I have occasionally trolled my father-in-law online because of his political ranting and promoting of conspiracy theories. Though I can't entirely agree with much of what he says (most of the time, I can't), I shouldn't act like a jerk. I shouldn't bite back in response to the hurt they have caused.

Honestly, though, I have tried to show love toward my in-laws. I have pursued them a lot over the years to show that I care.

When my father-in-law lost his job, I emailed or Facebook messaged him regularly to see how I could pray for him. I read his MTh thesis, tried to connect over politics and history, listened to most of the talks that they gave at their church, helped with said ministry resources, listened to their problems, made meals for them, drove 6 hours to deliver a Christmas package at the height of the pandemic when my mother-in-law was incredibly sick, and the restrictions prevented us all from visiting. Oh yeah, in those early days, when my wife was working on their birthdays, I usually took the initiative to get the girls to call them.

And at the beginning of the pandemic, I regularly emailed to see how they were. I was legitimately concerned about their health, the isolation and even how it affected them spiritually. I sent links to sermons and even invited my father-in-law (3 times) to an international online men's Bible study that my dad and I were doing. I got nothing in return from my father-in-law, not even a thank you. You can see one of the invites here. (click to view)

What I did get in return, however, was a vitriolic spray about how people are stupid, believing a lie and how the church is powerless and living in fear. Yup, just an angry spray with zero concern shown to their nearby family.

Then, there was my email politely asking them to reconsider getting the vaccine out of nothing but love and concern. That ended up being a massive mistake on my part, as I was met with a disgusting passive-aggressive response regarding an inheritance from my mother-in-law.

We have never expected or come to my in-laws for any financial help! But my mother-in-law likes to use money to flex her authority (you'll see more about that below).

Finally, let's not forget that when my dad passed away, my father and sister-in-law couldn't even reach out to see how I was or extend any form of sympathy. Even I showed them some form of sympathy and love when my mother-in-law passed away, but all I got was silence until my wife called them out on their crappiness two weeks later.

Showing nothing but their pettiness and disdain towards me.

Now, one of the main traumatic events that led me to have a mental health crisis (read: nervous breakdown) happened just before Easter in 2017.

I was working with at-risk kids at that time for a Christian social non-profit. Though it was stressful and hard with all the brokenness, at times difficult with some of the team dysfunction, it was the most rewarding job I had ever had. I absolutely loved it. At this time, we were having some major discipline issues with a few of the kids. As a staff team, we went through some frustrating times trying to navigate these issues—very frustrating times. My mother-in-law got wind of this and decided to take it upon herself to deal with the situation. Yes, you can probably guess where this is going.

She decided to write a very inflamed and accusative letter to the executive director of the non-profit – based incorrectly on the bits and pieces that she had heard from my wife. Lots of bold text and underlining to get her point across – like a tantruming child. Lots of errors and misconceptions that really became ungodly slander toward my manager (and co-workers) at the time.

And going back to the money thing – she also threatened to stop donating to them. Money was used as a weapon again, similar to the 'inheritance' attack on my wife and me during the pandemic.

(If the above doesn't load, you can read the letter here.)

This is a good example of the disrespect we are always shown because “Mother knows best” – to quote the song from Disney's Tangled. In their eyes, I could not do the job I was actually good at, so they had to step in and save the day. There are further examples of this attitude throughout the years below.

“If there is any way we can help you “fix it,” we would be more than willing to do so.”

Wow! Can you say Messiah complex?

But that's their attitude towards everything, including our small family. If it doesn't conform to their expectations – then it needs fixing.

Furthermore, this all happened after my wife specifically asked her TWICE not to get involved. She didn't even call me to clarify anything. She just wrote the letter and sent it.

What was even worse was the ungodly pride and justification of her actions in her response to us after she did the deed. See the image below (click to enlarge):

It is funny, in a cringe-worthy kind of way, that she said “Reliable Source.” How is gleaning from the already selective tidbits my wife has told you considered reliable? They just believed what they wanted to believe – without any verification, without any thought or prayerful consideration.

Then there is the whole “hiding” or “protecting” the source of information thing. Like that would work. I was on a small staff team... This “source” was always going to get revealed.

If you need to hide it, isn't that a clear indication that it might be wrong? Might your actions not show integrity and godly character? Did you not listen to the Holy Spirit in this instance? The Holy Spirit doesn't produce fruit in the form of arrogance, gracelessness and impulsivity.

Well, no surprises there, as everything blew up. I was branded a gossip and someone who sows discord, someone who is disloyal and disrespects leadership (if you know me well enough, you know that this caricature is not true). I was mercilessly mocked for supposedly getting my mother-in-law to do my dirty work. That is absolutely not true. I lost some really good friends with whom I prayed and shared dreams about ministry. I didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids I worked with for almost 4 years. I lost my community, reputation, and career – all because my in-laws had that messiah complex and made my job about them. And let's not forget the consequences it also had for the ministry, other staff and the kids involved. Their horrible selfishness affected a lot of people, not just our family.

I feel absolute shame and fear when I talk to church folk about my previous ministry. Church circles are small, and word has spread. I don't think I could ever work in ministry in this province again because of my tarnished reputation and their actions.

It shouldn't be like that in the church, but unfortunately, it is. Thanks, Mom.

So, what's the fruit of all of this? Hmm...

These events led to a public meltdown in front of my children when we were doing a family activity. I don't remember much outside of sitting fully clothed in the shower bawling or afterwards laying on the bed with my concerned mum and dad trying to get through to me over the phone. Something that day broke inside of me. It was a long time coming, and I don't think I have ever really recovered from it. In fact, I had contemplated taking my own life after this incident.

I was left broken and despondent.

There is another example that I will share further on, in regards to spiritual abuse, but it also applies here too. They wrote a letter to my parents years before, trying to enlist their help dissuading us from going to a particular country as missionaries, purely because my judgment and assessment of the situation were wrong (not to mention the spiritual aspect of their argument).

Once again, they couldn't show me respect by coming and talking to me about it. Like always, they chose not to listen or understand and decided to fix and circumvent my wife and me because of their pride. They constantly fill their need to be correct, have control and authority over us via manipulation.

We have received many letters, emails, and notes like this over the years... we are starting to think that they don't trust us enough with our own lives.

My wife has also had to deal with this kind of behaviour regarding parenting as well – often being met with criticism and unsolicited advice because something isn't right with our kids... just because they often act like... well kids.

This unsolicited advice usually came from a family friend (via my mother-in-law), who has a highly dysfunctional family. In my opinion, one of the worst possible sources for parenting advice. But because she is a “church” friend, she seemingly has spiritual clout or something and we just need to listen up.

Like really?!? We aren't taking advice from a woman whose daughter, by your own telling, took out a restraining order and looked to emancipate herself from her mother.

Shot Through The Heart – The Spiritual Abuse {↑}

I will be upfront and blunt with this – my in-laws are spiritually abusive. They will take the things of faith – amazingly good things from God – and turn them into a mechanism of shame and condemnation. They will twist the truths of the Gospel, the Character of God and one's own spiritual identity to manipulate and tear down.

I think the following tweets from psychologist Diane Langberg highlight this fact pretty well:

I recently learned during a phone conversation with my wife and her parents that even before they had met me, they were questioning my faith and upbringing based on the church tradition that I was brought up in.

I come from a good Christian family. My dad was a church elder, and my mum was the church secretary. Faith was central to my upbringing. My parents modelled Christlike love and service throughout my entire early life, as well as generosity, humility, and pastoral care. My family isn't perfect either. We have our issues, too. Like any family, there is sin and a desperate need for God's grace.

My dad, who would “turn in his grave” at me saying this, exemplified what a pastor (and the pastoral gift) looked like even though he officially wasn't one. He just lovingly served and cared for people. My dad influenced me more in that regard than any other Godly man throughout my life.

Titles and ordinations don't mean a thing if you don't have godly character, love and humility behind them. Too many crappy people have the title “pastor” before their name. Unqualified, spiritually immature men and women who lack godly character, desire power, and have no sense of emotional or social intelligence. People like this should not be leaders in the church – in fact, they shouldn't be leaders in any venue. Period.

Now, I hate that I must defend myself, my family of origin and my upbringing this way. However, my in-laws have had many misconceptions about me since day one. They pigeonholed me and decided that I was a heathen long before they had even met me. They have continually torn me down with their words and actions over the years based on this twisted view of who I am and the family that I came from.

Not only does this affect how they see me, but it also affects how they see their grandkids. I feel that my supposedly “bad” spiritual upbringing has led my wife and me to do the same with our girls. My mother-in-law was the absolute worst at pointing this out with her subtle digs – “Maybe they need Jesus” – to every problem imaginable. More of that unwarranted parenting advice that is not really helpful...

A good example of spiritual abuse happened early on in our marriage when we returned home from a young adult's missions conference in the US. Our love for taking the Gospel to the nations is what brought us together in the first place and we returned from this conference pretty pumped.

A week after we returned home, I got an email from my mother-in-law that basically went along these lines: “I forbid you to take my daughter on the mission field because you have not experienced the baptism of the Spirit as evidenced by speaking in tongues. And because you are not born of the Spirit, God will never bless any ministry work of your hands.” (my paraphrase)

Umm, Thank you?!?

This is nothing but shaming and condemning and being manipulative. Nothing but spiritual gaslighting with the intent to lead me to question my own identity in the Lord, their salvation and exert control. Using what I consider a toxic and twisted spiritual means to prey on and manipulate me to do their will. To push me to conform to their worldly expectation instead of conformity (and obedience) to Christ.

Now, we can have differing opinions on secondary theological issues, such as spiritual gifts. That doesn't make anyone less of a believer than the next person. The same can be said for non-spiritual issues, such as politics.

I truly think we have lost the ability to engage in grace-filled discourse on spiritual issues. We are too dogmatic about the lesser issues of faith (often tied to politics unfortunately) while neglecting the more important ones—or, as Jesus would say, those things that are more “weightier.” We are way too quick to trade holiness and brotherly love for the ability to win an argument. Usually, it is an argument that doesn't bear on the Kingdom or eternity.

You see, we can have orthodox (right) belief, serve in Christian ministry, have an emotional “worshipful” connection and even have God do the miraculous through us – and even after all of that – at the gates of eternity, we can still hear Christ say “I never knew you; depart from me...” (Matt 7:21-23)

This is a sobering verse that should kill any form of religious dogma and remind us of the fact that only a relationship with Christ matters.

For the record, I don't adhere to the Pentecostal doctrine that the baptism of the Holy Spirit is evident through the speaking of tongues. But I do believe that the full gambit of spiritual gifts, including tongues and prophecy, are active today and are to be exercised in the church according to what is laid out in Scripture. I'm definitely not a cessationist.

I am also more of a believer that the Spirit is evident in a person by the fruits (of the Spirit) they exhibit. Fruit that is produced by abiding in Christ (John 15). The gifts of the Spirit have much less to do with flexing a supernatural power and authority but are seen as a means to equip the believer to exalt Christ. To make Him look great.

Often, as with my in-laws, “Spiritual Power” is conflated with worldly political power, influence, and dominance.

I have been very charitable with my in-laws' beliefs in this area. I have never made it a matter of first importance, used it as a weapon, or questioned their salvation (like they had done with me). I sat and listened to all the Benny Hinn and John Hagee sermons they put on the TV in those early days. I read many of the books they were reading—all with a humble view to learn and better understand. I watched and read Kenneth Copeland and Andrew Wommack when they jumped on those bandwagons. I approached it all with humility and openness. An openness that God might still teach me something new about himself... even though, after some robust examination, I fundamentally disagree with a lot of the theology that these teachers were expounding.

Again, my in-laws never approached me or what I believed in this way. They have NEVER asked me what I believe regarding any of this. I was instantly wrong, and they were always right, always making sure they were seen as being correct and spiritually superior. I just needed to submit and conform to their expectations—to willingly drink the Kool-Aid. In their eyes, I was some project that needed to be spiritually fixed.

Though I no longer have that original email (the one after the missions conference), the above email was sent to my parents in Australia only a few months later. It underscores well the spiritual abusiveness of my in-laws.

Before I unpack all of this, I understand the fear that my in-laws felt regarding the mission field and the particular country mentioned in this letter. I witnessed my own mother work through this same fear when I first went there in 2004. My mum, however, got to that place of release through much prayer, trust in the Lord and by doing a world missions course with me as I prepared for my trip. My dad even did the course after I came back. I am so thankful for the peace that the Lord gave them and their prayerful support when I went. They took the time to listen and understand.

On the contrary, my in-laws chose to manipulate me through some over-dramatic and hyper-spiritualized means. To question my judgment and knowledge of a country I had actually been to.

Honestly, I think it's a bit rich to be told that I know nothing about the people or the Gospel work in a country that I had actually lived in for a time—especially by someone who has never travelled beyond Disneyland or who doesn't keep up with world events outside of what my Father-in-law deems newsworthy from his echo chamber.

With that being the case, it makes you wonder what or who was stirring the pot and driving the writing of such a letter?!?!

Here's the thing with this email: my wife and I were nowhere close to going abroad to do missionary work. We never started any process. Yes, it was a common love that we both shared (and it is what brought us together in the first place). And yes, we talked about it a lot – my missionary trip, her missionary trips, and us dreaming about where God might call us. We were young and passionate about our faith.

We had never decided on a particular country, region or people group. We were still in the process of prayerfully working these things out. In fact, the Lord led us into pastoral ministry in CANADA a month after this email was sent.

My in-laws over-sensationalized a possible scenario and made it into some form of “Chicken Little” hysteria by trying to manipulate us into not going and gaslighting my parents into helping them intervene, manipulating using fear. Their fear.

I can see the irony here, too—they belittled people over “fear” during the pandemic, yet they are allowed to “conveniently” show fear here solely because it benefits them. This is so self-centred and hypocritical.

My father-in-law did the same to my sister-in-law when she headed to Africa early on in the pandemic. Carrying on and bemoaning – nothing but manipulation born out of fear.

Over the years, I have learned that the weight of hyper-spiritualized guilt can be overwhelming and crushing. And that's the point—that is why they use it. It's about pummelling you repeatedly so they can gain power and control over you. So you capitulate to their will.

Though the original email (after the conference) was pretty abrasive & blunt, this one was more of a veiled shot at the same things – namely, my faith, judgment and spiritual maturity. You can see this easily in the sentence:

“If this is of Him at all.”

In 7 simple words, my mother-in-law has questioned our faith and whether we are actually filled with and being led by the Spirit. More so, she questioned our judgment. It's the same horrid Satanic lie as in the first email – just cloaked and sent to my parents instead.

Again, who belittles someone's child and their faith and self-worth?

Then there is the gross misquoting and hyper-spiritualization of the “three confirmations” thing from Scripture. None of these actually function (in the Biblical sense) the way my in-laws use them.

Upon research, most of the passages of Scripture that get “cherry-picked” to form the basis of this “three witnesses” belief, are explicitly about accountability in a community of faith.

Again, I think there is some form of irony here...

That being said, I think the premise behind it still holds. I really like it. Prayerfully seeking God's leading is a good and spiritually mature thing to do, which my wife and I try to do when making our decisions.

But just because my in-laws don't agree with something doesn't mean God isn't in it. That's pretty crass and arrogant. This is just a form of Pharisaism. It is more of their religious superiority complex.

Then, there was their patronizing explanation to my believing parents. What's the theological equivalent of “mansplaining”?

This whole three-confirmation thing reeks of their hypocrisy, too. Throwing this misguided belief around is just another convenient way to use the Holy Spirit to manipulate.

Let's be honest; there is no way my mother-in-law, with all her reckless impulsivity and worded nastiness, sought 3 confirmations before sending any of her letters and emails.

There is just no way. If she had sought God's leading before she wrote many of these letters to us, our family and others, over the years – then I wouldn't be writing this post at all, would I?

This example of spiritual abuse is based purely on hypocrisy and convenience.

Then, there is my mother-in-law's quip about “standing opposed.”

You know what? We are freaking adults, a married couple, no longer under the authority of our parents. Only God. That is the whole point of that “leave and cleave” thing in Scripture. You can stand opposed all you want. It wouldn't have made a lick of difference. First and foremost, we strive to be obedient to God.

And that's the thing—I don't think they once came alongside and sincerely listened to or prayed for us in 18+ years. Not a single sincere instance of them asking us “How can we be praying for you?” outside of saying grace at the dinner table or that one time when my father-in-law 'invoked the spirit of Esau' when he prayed over our sensitive toddler (presumably because of her strong will and red hair?).

Esau huh? Why would you invoke that kind of spirit over your granddaughter? Do you not know your Bible? The type of figure he was? And you're inviting that to rest on your grandkid?

Do I believe that it was done in malice against our daughter? No.

However, its just another example of them turning to some over-the-top spiritual means to point out something or someone doesn't conform to their standards. That something needs fixing. In this case, our daughter.

Just like those above letters, my in-laws deployed more hyperspiritualized language, this time in the form of a prayer, to enforce their expectations.

Remember that Diane Langberg tweet from above:

Prayer-shaming. A favourite past time of some charismatic circles...

This is also a good example of spiritual peacocking. Show-boating. That “special calling” that they boast about. The need to show that they are spiritually superior... with lots of authority... except, in reality it really showed their lack of spiritual maturity, Biblical knowledge and what really drives their faith: power, grandeur and adulation.

And for two people, who boast of their “anointing” and have a supposed high regard for the power of words (as my mother-in-law would constantly say “speak into existence”), I find the recklessness and thoughtlessness of what my father-in-law prayed astonishing. Like WTF?!?

All in an attempt to give this (false) perception of authority and calling. You'll see more of this attitude in the next section regarding his sermon.

Also, I might be reaching here, but I think it is highly likely that they often “prayed against us” when we weren't compliant with their wants and wishes. They are the type to do so... it was inferred in that letter to my parents plus we have often heard how they spoke about other people over the years. Often with the same level of superiority and contempt towards them – whether be it, other family members, church folks etc. People just need to fall in line...

Years later, we see this kind of thing happen again. This time, we went through the adoption process with our oldest daughter. They contacted my parents via phone call to enlist their help in persuading us not to adopt a special needs or native child through our local child and family services.

Once again, they attempted to gaslight my parents with that same hyper-spiritualized language and a twisted lie about God not being in this adoption process. In their eyes, this adoption is outside God's will and will make life hard for our family.

What they really mean is “their” family.

Reading between the lines, they have their prejudices and don't want you to poke at them with how you're living your life, even if God is faithfully and prayerfully leading it. It is easier to manipulate the narrative about someone else so you don't have to deal with your shortcomings, sins, and need for God's grace.

A child with a disability...A native kid. Or going back to that earlier email – taking the Gospel to those horrible, dangerous Muslims.

They were super uncomfortable with us adopting a child with a disability. We had many comments about “praying the disability away” in those early days. There was also a book or two on their shelves that had a similar focus. And it took many years for my father-in-law to warm to and accept our daughter.

You'll also see later on, in my bit, about my father-in-law's sermon – these prejudices also extend to anyone who is not politically conservative to the same extent as him. You differ the slightest, and you are viewed as “a dirty liberal and/or heathen.”

Don't believe me? Look at his Facebook posts. They are often angry and hate-fuelled.

Anyway, all these prejudices make them squirm and feel very uncomfortable. Even with the explicit commands in Scripture to do these things – care for the orphan, go to the nations with the Gospel, etc. – they will twist the things of faith to avoid what we, as believers, are actually called to do in Christ.

It is funny how people can use the Holy Spirit as an excuse to be disobedient and not follow God's will.

As I process and write about all of the above, this is my major takeaway (so far):

The abuse has never been about conformity to Christ. It has never been about where I am in my faith or my spiritual identity. It is simply about conforming to their will and worldly aspirations and meeting their self-serving agenda. It reflects what captivates their heart. It reflects what is important to them – even if we just want to be loved and supported.

So, back to that original email: How has it affected things over the years?

If I'm being honest, I didn't really think too much of it at the time. Its effect became apparent many years later when we were going through the hurt we experienced in my last pastoral charge. During that dark time, I had planned to take my life. To hang myself in the basement when my wife and kids weren't home. I even got as far as rigging up the noose.

In that darkest of times, my mother-in-law's words from that email (along with the church events at the time) came flooding back. It led me to believe that the traumatic events in our last church resulted from my standing with the Lord. A lack of His blessing. His disapproval. It was a satanic and insidious lie whispered in the dark.

By the grace of God, I could not go through with it. But that is twice that my in-laws' actions and words have brought me close to taking my own life.

A number of years ago, my mother and sister-in-law came down to look after the girls so my wife and I could get away for a couple of days to celebrate our wedding anniversary. That was generous of them, and we were thankful for the opportunity.

As you can tell, my wife and I have very different spiritual and moral values from those of my in-laws. Before we left, we asked them to refrain from speaking to the girls about anything spiritual. They agreed, and so we went.

When we got home, and only after they had hastily left, we found out from our daughters that my mother-in-law had taken it upon herself to give an emotional retelling of the story of the Tower of Babel because the girls had a snafu.

What became apparent when the girls were replaying what was said was that my mother-in-law twisted the story in an attempt to manipulate and shame the girls into a certain behaviour.

“If you fight, you won't be able to accomplish anything!”

That's not even remotely close to what the biblical story is about... or how the book portrays it. You can watch the actual story from the book here.

Yes, fighting is not the best behaviour... but it's part of life together and kids growing up. This was a graceless abuse of authority and, in my opinion, more spiritual gaslighting – this time aimed at our children.

I'm thankful that my girls knew the true Gospel message of that story.

When my wife called out my in-laws about what had happened, my mother-in-law confessed to willingly disrespecting our wishes. But what was even more astounding, in a follow-up email, was the fact that she doubled down on it and essentially told us that she was a teacher (in the spiritual sense) and that it was her right to impart spiritual stuff to her grandchildren.

Wow! The sense of entitlement. I DO NOT want my children to share in the same enslaving, destructive and life-draining faith as my in-laws. Look at this entire post... does any of this scream “a faithful witness” that one should emulate? Look at the hurt that we have experienced firsthand.

She misused Jesus' storybook Bible, which lays out the Gospel in a very straightforward way. You cannot get it wrong if you read it as is. But she decided to ab-lib and twist the story, taking the Gospel and twisting it into some form of manipulative false teaching to get the girls to stop fighting.

I was so angered that the same behaviour that had detrimentally affected me over the years was now used on my children—a twisting of the Scriptures to manipulate.

But that's at the heart of all the hurt we have experienced over 18+ years. It's this narcissism, spiritual pride and religious superiority that my in-laws have.

That they have some special calling, knowledge or power from the Holy Spirit that gives them the authority to do and say what they want. Often selfishly, impulsively, unlovingly, and without any thought to how it might wound.

Like the Pharisee beating his chest in self-exaltation while disparaging others.

My father-in-law said as much in one of his sermons – proudly self-affirming that he was “born into the fire” or some spiritualized ego garbage like that.

Pride and entitlement are at the core of narcissism.

It is not just our little family that has experienced this destructive behaviour. It's a toxic pattern that has been seen throughout their relationships with other family members, friends, and church folk. It even led to them getting kicked out of the para-church ministry they were volunteering with—ironically, for disrespecting that ministry's leadership and sowing discord. And this conclusion was solely based on what my in-laws had told us about the incident. It was glaringly obvious.

Let me be clear: the Holy Spirit doesn't make you an asshole. It doesn't leave a multitude of spiritually and emotionally broken people behind the proverbial bus that you are driving. The Holy Spirit isn't a weapon to club the sheep over the head with, to exert control through spiritual disparaging, nor is the Holy Spirit used as a “temple prostitute” for our own gratification or to satisfy our lust for power, control or worldly significance.

In all that has happened, I cannot help but wonder, how does all of this point to the greatness of Christ? It doesn't. If I were an unbelieving on-looker or family member, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with this garbage. I can fully understand why many people are antagonistic toward the Christian faith.

I have a godly mate (a pastor friend) who has listened to me share about this abuse over the years. He has listened, prayed and given wise counsel. He has repeatedly given me a loving rebuke as I have struggled with the many lies my in-laws have spoken over me.

I can actually hear him now as I write this – “Dave, those are all a lie from the pit of Hell!”

It has taken me many years to realize that these words are all a lie (I still struggle with it), that there is no truth in them at all, and that the gateway to that hellish pit has been, unfortunately, the lips of my in-laws.

Saying the Quiet Part, Out Loud – Abused From the Pulpit. {↑}

One of the most hurtful events recently happened when my father-in-law did some pulpit supply at the church they attend.

I'll be honest: My Father-in-law's sermon was everything I expected. A theological and abusive trainwreck. It was probably one of the worst sermons that I have ever heard. I don't think you can even call it a sermon, let alone “Christian.” It was basically a far-right political rant, an extension of his Facebook ranting, pushing an angry, loveless and hyper-spiritualized political worldview, bemoaning how he and my mother-in-law were persecuted because of COVID while at the same time doing a lot of self-exaltation.

Whiny, self-centred, entitled and grievance-filled. It was a giant man-tantrum from the pulpit.

It was horribly political. Heavily influenced by (North) American exceptionalism, white Christian nationalism & the prosperity gospel. In my opinion, an unholy trinity that is the antithesis of the Kingdom and beauty of the Gospel that Jesus preached.

It, unfortunately, highlights the level of political idolatry in some Christian circles. And there is a lot of it in my in-laws' circles. Adhering to conservative politics (and hating Liberals) is kin to the baptism of the Spirit in most cases.

And boy, does it make me want to vomit... 🤮 🤮 🤮

Did I mention there was a lot of self-exaltation happening from the pulpit also? So much talk about himself... and his “opinions.”

And even less about Jesus.

I'll be very blunt here; his sermon was false teaching. My father-in-law is a false teacher. One cannot escape this fact after hearing this sermon. The Holy Spirit leads faithful preachers to proclaim and exalt Christ, not themselves. It does not push any political agenda—left or right—no matter how much one tries to reconcile politics with things of the Kingdom. What was preached was a horrible distortion of the Gospel: loveless, entitled, self-exalting, and without the hope of Jesus.

Also, you cannot supposedly preach on the end times, trying to make sense of our current times, without preaching about the hope that is found in Jesus. Plus, in the spirit of the kooky television preacher-types, he even alluded to the Biden inauguration as something to do with the apparent coming of the Antichrist.

Folks, regardless of your politics, please leave that partisan crap out of your sermons. Preach Jesus and leave it at that...

Yes, I know that I'm being very uncharitable with my assessment. But the preaching of the Word is a serious thing. It is something that I'm called to. It is something that I am very passionate about. I always have been. The Spirit in me is grieved by this kind of garbage: horrible lies and distortions peddled as the Gospel. The Gospel is non-negotiable. It is of first importance, unlike those secondary issues mentioned above. Plus, Scripture is very clear about the consequences of (unrepentant) preaching of another gospel.

My father-in-law showed his contempt for the Word of God and the high calling to preach it. For him, it's just political theatre.

As I had said above: many unqualified people have titles, are in positions of leadership, and are out there preaching. My father-in-law is one of them. I literally threw up a little when he was introduced as “Pastor” before taking the pulpit.

Preaching is not about getting your 15-60 minutes of fame or a platform on which you can push your hyper-spiritualized political opinions beyond your 30 Facebook followers.

Can you tell that I'm majorly irked by this sermon's (lack of) “theological content”?

It is also a major red flag when you talk about yourself more than Jesus in a sermon. When you have to self-affirm your (prophetic) gifting and supposed “Spiritual Authority” more than preaching the glorious riches of the Gospel. Even in a testimony – Jesus is the hero of YOUR story. He should still be the focus. He should still be the one exalted.

In all my years as a believer, I have never seen that level of narcissism come from a pulpit outside of the hyperspiritualized garbage spewed by those on TV.

Absolutely, no humility in how and what he preached...

I'm sorry, but my in-laws aren't pastors, preachers, or prophets. Their witness, actions, and words over the years have been in direct contradiction to how a supposedly spirit-filled believer should act. For them, it's all about power and control— and how they feel and experience that power and control. I'm grieved by what they have done in the name of the Lord. At times, they have shown that they are very spiritually dangerous people.

Back to the sermon...

There was also very little Scripture used in the sermon, except for a handful of those hyper-charismatic dog-whistle verses that contain words like “power,” “authority,” “prosper,” “prophesy,” “bind,” etc. – often grossly misquoted and taken out context. However, by sprinkling these verses like Tinker Bell's fairy dust, somehow makes even the most Gospel-anemic talk seem like you're bringing the roaring fire of the Spirit. 🔥🔥🔥

Like what does the parable of the house built on sand (Matt 7), have to to with your hate-filled political ideology?!? I can hear the collective facepalming of preaching professors everywhere 🤦

But equally troubling was the fact that the church and its leadership gave my father-in-law a platform to preach this garbage in the first place. From what I understood from the sermon, the Senior Pastor knew what would be said and allowed it. This is totally reprehensible. A shepherd protects the sheep, not allowing wolfish behaviour and false teaching to be spewed from the pulpit.

I think Diane Langberg hits the nail on the head:

I'm just thankful the church had the sense to take the sermon down from its YouTube channel when we asked.

Now for what really shocked us...

In his “sermon,” my Father-in-law decided to make an example of my wife and me. He said many disparaging and hurtful things that were mainly based on lies or sensationalized half-truths. He made an example of us to suit his political agenda. We became one big sermon illustration to fit his hyper-spiritualized political narrative.

Firstly, as I said above, we never cut them off because of COVID. However, he repeatedly stressed this point in the sermon. We genuinely pursued them and tried to keep in contact with them. I'll explain it again like a broken record – I drove a care package for six hours. I wrote encouraging emails. My wife went up and cleaned their house. Yes, we followed the government guidelines. This was not done out of fear or because we had bought into a dark lie, as was inferred in the sermon.

Rather, we believed (and still do) that it was an opportunity to show God's love and be a good neighbour in a world filled with turmoil and upheaval. Even when we got those vitriolic responses to our caring emails—any pushback from us was along those lines—we were graciously firm in communicating how we believed God was leading us to “love others” by following the COVID guidelines.

But remember – if your life and how you're living doesn't conform to their will, well, then you are wrong; you might even be seen as following Satan. Yes, that was alluded to in the sermon.

The only other COVID-related thing that I can think of was us asking them to consider how it would make our children feel if they gave their grandparents the virus. That was a fair ask. I think it's alright to ask “supposedly” spiritually mature adults to consider someone other than themselves. I believe the Apostle Paul wrote something along those lines in Philippians 2.

It was not the grand-scale persecution that my father-in-law described in this sermon. COVID did not stop us from visiting them when an opportunity presented itself. We still visited them over the course of the pandemic and even stayed at their house.

Remember, they stopped visiting us two years before the pandemic had even hit. They never took up our invitation to call regularly, so no, we didn't persecute them.

As I said, it's just a tantrum.

Now for the kicker...

Any “cutting them off” was due to the boundaries that we had set not being respected and because of the ongoing abuse. Therefore, we decided to distance ourselves. It was not because of COVID. We communicated that as such. They chose not to believe it, and he twisted that truth in his sermon. I'll talk more about the boundaries later.

Back to the sermon...

You could almost hear the disdain in my father-in-law's words when he talked about my wife and her profession in light of COVID during his sermon... “My RN daughter told us to do the responsible thing” (or something along those lines).

Is caring about someone such a bad thing? He chose to show public disdain and mockery for his daughter, who worked hard during the pandemic serving others. It wasn't a fabricated conspiracy – I heard the stories and saw the toll it took on her: the sleepless nights, the stress and the tears. If he had even cared to call and ask, he wouldn't be making these kinds of comments in a public forum, let alone a community of faith.

No consideration whatsoever. Such a loveless and crass remark. It's a disgusting trait to unfairly stomp over someone as a means to elevate yourself... especially when you stomp on your faith-believing daughter.

To be honest, I don't know what my father-in-law's problem is with my wife. Many people have picked up on it – my family, mutuals and even my sister-in-law has spoken up about it.

From the introductory letter that he sent to my parents before we got married, stating that my wife was “hard work but turned out alright in the end” (again, my paraphrase) to the time she specifically asked him, “Why are you proud of me?” only to get some weird response like, “Cause I knew you would surpass me.”

Like, WTF? Any decent parent wants their children to surpass them and have a better life. I want that for my children.

This just sounds like entitled petty jealousy on his part. Gross.

And I don't get why he holds my wonderful wife in such low esteem. Until my mother-in-law passed he wasoften distant and cold, and you can see that he favours my sister-in-law.

But remember, if your faith and life don't look like theirs, then you are basically a heathen, an outcast, not worth the effort...

I also wonder if it has to do with the fact that she is a highly educated woman who is part of the system that he despises. Who knows?!?

My father-in-law then proceeded to retell an event that happened when we visited one March. At the time, I was majorly hurt and irked as I had recently found out from my wife (and her parents) that a lot of these abusive issues had pre-dated my arrival in Canada. I even tried to push past that and have dinner with them the night before at WEM – only to be ignored for the entire meal.

It was hard news to take after going through it for many years. I felt majorly betrayed by “family” over here. So yes, I was a little edgy. And yes, I could have acted a little differently. But it's not like I went crazy on anyone... I didn't even raise my voice. I just refused to come inside their home.

In his retelling, he told this seemingly beautiful story of God using my children to melt my heart as I came into the house. Apparently, them coming over, hugging me and asking me questions provided a much-needed spiritual breakthrough at the moment.

Barf! 🤮 That sounds like some crappy Hallmark movie.

And feels uber-icky that he chose to use our children in this way...

Anyway, it is very common in our family that when we enter the house, even after the shortest time apart, we engage with our children as parents. We talk with them. We hug and kiss them. We ask how they are doing. I am unashamedly affectionate and encouraging with my children. It is a normal, everyday part of our lives.

Isn't this a normal family thing?!?! I must be naive.

As told by him, this story became nothing more than another unhealthy dose of gaslighting. He is taking a very normal thing in our small family's life and hyper-spiritualizing it, once again, to fit his narrative and elevate his illusion of spiritual grandeur. Remember, he was “born into fire.” 🙄

He was over-sensationalizing a normal thing that any aspiring godly parent would do with their children. It wasn't a spiritual breakthrough but a normal rhythm of our everyday lives—an act of everyday grace that doesn't need to be publicized as something super spiritual from the pulpit.

If my in-laws had taken any interest in our family – they would have known that this is how we do life together. God does amazing things in the dull ordinariness of life – it doesn't always have to rain down “Holy Spirit fire” from Heaven. God is just as present in the quiet everyday routines that we find ourselves in.

Anyway, he then moved on to recount the conversation that followed between them and me. This was very hard to listen to because he was selective in what he retold and even dishonest about some of the things he chose to share. A lot of it was a twisted narrative.

From my perspective, we talked. I got to share how detrimental my mother-in-law's email(s) and critical nature had been over the years. How their lack of support really hurt our small family. Their constant obsession with our material prosperity. Blah, blah, blah, you get my drift.

There were the usual apologies, excuses and tears from them – the standard response anytime we try to address any of these issues with my in-laws. We gave a goodbye hug and went home. That's the extent of it. Things were said, but no resolution or heart change was made. And we constantly do this dance with my in-laws; it is freaking exhausting and demoralizing and often comes with the same results. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over?

Yes, every time we pray, we hope things will change for the better. Obviously, after listening to this sermon, we were wrong. Again.

In his recap of this event, I found it very hypocritical and devastating that he talked about me believing a lie, believing/following the dark side (Am I in Star Wars now?).

In fact, throughout his entire sermon, this is what he inferred when he talked about my wife and me... We are constantly living in the dark, essentially following Satan because our faith and values are different from theirs, and we chose differently in our response to the world events at the time.

Really, God could have given us a booming audible voice from Heaven with a command to act the way we did – and still, my in-laws would cry afoul and spiritually tear us down like in the sermon.

Again, this is another good example of their spiritual superiority complex and spiritual deafness. More of their chest-thumping Pharisaism.

Furthermore, any sincerity and hope of reconciliation that came out of that March meeting was essentially destroyed by that sermon. Didn't I spend all of that time in March explaining the devastating effects of those emails? The devastating hurt, over the years, brought on by your questioning of my faith? Meddling in our lives through manipulation and abuse?

And now you go and do the same thing in a sermon. You were quick to point out the lies that I believe. Still, you forgot to tell people who the mouthpiece was that repeatedly spoke them over me and over our family.

Actually, this sermon was worse than the email. The email, at least, was private. My father-in-law, wanting to elicit both sympathy and adulation through his twisted narrative, did it in a public venue. A church.

He chose to vilify and tear my wife and me down in front of other believers, all in an attempt to exalt himself and push his ideologies. That is disgusting. That is a new level of horridness and evil, even for my in-laws.

Finally, the absence of what was actually said (and what happened afterwards) was quite telling.

We had them visit a few months later on Mother's Day. Yup. They got to spend time with our family, watch our daughter play soccer, and have my wife make them a lovely breakfast on the Sunday.

Does that really scream hate and persecution?

Of course, he wouldn't dare share those facts with the congregation, especially as it didn't help support the narrative he was trying to peddle.

And let's not forget, just six weeks after we invited them back into our home and lives again – we were rewarded with this horrible, hate-filled, deceitful sermon about us.

They got what they wanted in a visit and went back to their old ways of trashing us and making us feel like crap. It's that cycle of abuse. No wonder we have decided to pull away...

This whole scenario is basically the justification of their sin by its omission. By ignoring it. By minimizing it. Often, it's blame-shifted onto us to hide their sin. Obfuscation of the truth in an attempt to “keep up appearances.” Acting like the consummate politicians who spin-doctor the details, or they just outright lie.

Again, to make themselves look spiritually great and garner praise and influence, they fabricate the narrative to suit their own agenda. This is very politician-like—treading on your own family to get ahead.

Until now, something had been bugging me up to this point...

Over the years, I have pretty much given my father-in-law a “free pass” for a lot of the hurt that has been done to us. We have always assumed that my mother-in-law was the vocal and seemingly opinionated one who wrote all the letters.

I have always thought that my father-in-law was just a passive participant in all of her schemes, just going along with them, allowing his name to be willingly added to the horrible stuff that she said and wrote.

However, after hearing the lies and disparaging comments in his sermon, I can now see that he has been complicit in the abuse, if not the one driving it... Remember that this sermon was him “saying the quiet part out loud.”

Here are another couple of examples...

Remember, I said my father-in-law heavily influences and controls the flow of information for my mother-in-law. I once responded to something they had done with an email pointing out they were being very emotionally and spiritually abusive. I used those exact words. In one of my Mother-in-law's vitriolic reactions to another event that occurred shortly afterwards, she lit up my wife and me and accused us of calling them “Child Molesters.”

I have never used that language or called anyone that, let alone my in-laws. As someone who often worked with abused children, I wouldn't even contemplate using such language. Not even lightly or as a joke.

So, where did this thought come from?!? Why did he use this language when we didn't use it?

This whole “child molester” chirp is a good indication of the worldly conspiracy theories that my father-in-law believes. A heart captivated, not only by bad theology but by bad politics and a twisting of reality. Beliefs that further prey on his grievances and fuel his sense of entitlement. Beliefs that allow him to bring out the hate and anger, the darkness in his heart.

At the heart of it, this is why I don't really like my father-in-law. Why i don't respect him or want him to have anything to do with my family. His hate. His rage. And I'm not talking purely about politics here (but a lot stems from it). I couldn't give a flying toss if he is conservative or right-winged. Though I don't agree with everything he believes and says, I do have share affinity in some areas.

No, what I loath is his hate and rage. His disdain for anyone who is different from him; fellow image-bearers, regardless of their beliefs. His grievances and entitlement are so great that it comes out as this angry rage against those who are different to him.

You see this especially in the political ideology that he venerates. The type of government, from early last century, that he pines for. That he wants society to return under. One that uses oppressive violence against the poor, the immigrant, those with mental health challenges and the disabled. A government that was willing to strip these groups of their legal rights, bodily autonomy and even God-given identity in this world. Yes, it reeks of hypocrisy when you hold it up next to their complaints regarding what they saw as oppressive COVID mandates etc.

Yet he would long for a return to this kind of society. One, that even his special needs granddaughter would lose her rights and bodily autonomy because of her disability.

To reiterate: it's not the politics behind it – it's the hate and rage that the politics brings out. The politics that excuses such hypocrisy and vileness.

And, yes, the left/progressive/liberal folk have done the same too. It's just not limited to one side of the political spectrum. Further add the spiritual element to the hate and rage, just like my in-laws and so many others like them have done — it is disgusting and only tarnishes the name of Jesus.

Going back to the 'child molester' thing, he was sensationalizing this belief to emotionally manipulate. My father-in-law didn't fully (and truthfully) relay the message of our email to my mother-in-law. He lied. He twisted what was said and gaslit his own wife – all with the purpose to get her riled up and spew vitriol at us. He wound her up like some clapping monkey toy and released her in a rage on us.

Who the hell does that?!?! That is some next-level of sociopathic scheming...

Again, it makes you wonder how much of the content in this post was due to him. How much was due to his scheming that led my mother-in-law to hurt so many people over the years with her letters, emails and messages?

After my mother-in-law passed away, he wrote this large multi-page document that detailed his actions (or lack of actions) during the last few months of her life.

When it came to his recount of the day she died, he wrote this about my wife's reaction... (click to enlarge)

Except, this was a fabrication — a lie. This is my father-in-law taking my wife's grief and twisting it to suit his narrative— just another attempt to gaslight. She was upset her mother just died. She was upset that it happened while she and my sister-in-law took a break from the hospital to go swimming with our kids. She was upset because they got stuck at a rail-crossing and didn't make it back in time.

But no, my father-in-law decided to twist this reality and lie again. Then he knowingly sent that lie in an attempt to shame and guilt my wife. He is just cruel and nasty.

Furthermore, this is just another attempt to justify the hurt and sweep it away like it's nothing. To once again exalt himself while playing the victim. And he is very good at playing the victim.

He is an emotionally abusive twat. A narcissist. The last 18+ years are starting to make more sense in light of all this... he is a horribly abusive man.

Words as A Weapon – Insincerity & Narcissism {↑}

You might think that I'm being unloving and uncharitable by sharing all of this, and you might be right.

But what I want to make clear is that my wife and I have always sought to follow the Bible by coming to my in-laws to work through the hurt, seek reconciliation and see the relationship restored. We try hard always to forgive even though this pattern of toxicity and hurt keeps repeating.

Unfortunately, when we do, we are met with a change of subject that focuses on their misery and hardships, a long stretch of silence with no contact as a punishment, or being told that we are being oversensitive and overreacting. Hmm... does any of this look like an overreaction?

I have even had my father-in-law tell us he is too old to change. Not too old – just unwilling. Unwilling because it would mean focusing on someone other than himself.

At the crux of it, we rarely get a sincere apology and are often made to feel that it is our fault or that it's not a big deal.

My father-in-law has never apologized for the hurt; it often came (insincerely, mind you) from my mother-in-law. When the thing went down with my job, I sent him a message asking why they did what they did. I never got a response—nothing but silence from him. You'd think the Holy Spirit or at least a little bit of human empathy (or shame) would have elicited a response, an apology or something. But deep down, just as my mother-in-law justified it initially, it is obvious that he feels the same. That they did the right thing. To heck with the consequences – especially if it doesn't come back on them.

MIL Letter Sept 2022

In this abusive letter from my mother-in-law, which was in response to our displeasure at the sermon (and its consequences), you can see that they still don't believe they did anything wrong. Like always, they never take responsibility. They are never held accountable by their church leadership, either. In fact, their current church leadership has supported them through sending patronizing and condescending responses to us – based on a manipulated story from my in-laws.

It's the same old, same old.

This handwritten letter beautifully sums up this whole post and my relationship with my in-laws. It is nothing but another toxic tantrum, a vile piece of emotional manipulation that abdicates any real responsibility for the hurt that has been done. It shifts the blame, once again, to us as the “unforgiving ones.” It's just another veiled dig at how horrible my wife and I are for our unforgiveness. That they are constantly subjected to our wrath. This cannot be further from the truth. It's just more of that playing victim crap.

She also said, “If you are going to blame someone, blame me.”

No, we don't need to blame you for the sermon. You didn't write it. You didn't preach it. He did. He needs to take responsibility for what he said. You are just playing victim again. Acting like a martyr.

And I love how my mother-in-law always brings up our relationship with my parents when she had her hissy-fits. You know what? My parents aren't perfect, they have hurt us on occasions but they have always pursued us to make things right. Have my in-laws ever done that? Nope.

And my parents have always shown love and accepted Jen. Warts and all. Never questioning her salvation or belittling her faith. Never ruining her reputation and calling. Messing with her job.

From day one, my in-laws, have never extended the same love and acceptance towards me. Even my sister-in-law has admitted that her petty jealousy (over my wife getting married) has affected her relationship with me. And I did nothing but marry her sister... It makes me wonder if this pettiness is the reason why she has remained silent and never stood up for us in light of all the abuse by her parents?!?!

My in-laws squandered their chance to be a part of our lives; their grandchildren's lives through all this nastiness. This whole post shows it. My mum and dad would have loved to have that same opportunity extended to them. And we would probably be in a better place for it too. Not these broken, torn down, 'crippled by the abuse' shell of a human being that exists today.

It probably wouldn't be perfect, the grass is never greener, but at least we would have had some support and an opportunity to thrive.

But the most heartbreaking thing about this letter is the fact that this was the last coherent thing my Mother-in-law had said to us before she passed away. Defiant and unrepentant to the very end. Again no willingness on their part to reconcile. Again, we just aren't worth it...

And if I'm being honest, my level of grace has been tapped out with all of this. Did my in-laws consider the emotional, spiritual and physical toll of their repeated abuse over the years? The nervous breakdowns? Loss of calling and career? The abuse that led to me contemplating taking my life – TWICE? The slow breaking down of my identity over the years with lots of satanic spiritual lies sprouted by them? No. Of course not. They cannot do any wrong. Everything revolves around them.

Yet I'm expected to care deeply about my father-in-law sobbing (which, to a certain level, I do). To care about his seemingly over-the-top emotional reaction to us holding him/them accountable for more hurt and abuse; to apologize for finally standing up for ourselves... This, unfortunately, leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I really have zero emotional capacity left for this manipulative garbage from them.

It is glaringly obvious that narcissism drives this relationship. As I have repeatedly pointed out – it is always about them.

One of the books that have helped me see the pattern of the abuse (along with therapy) is Shannon Thomas' Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse. As you have probably noticed, I have already shared some of her tweets in this post, but I really like this quote:

“A Narcissist will run you over and scold you for being in their way. They will endlessly complain about how you damaged their car.”

And this relationship feels like that a lot of the time. The sermon and angry letters all feel like they are scolding us FOR WHAT THEY have done.

Don't Fence Me In – Establishing Boundaries and Creating distance {↑}

So where does this leave me/us?

Firstly, I say, “I Forgive them”. I have said that numerous times over the years, and I sincerely mean it, regardless of how hard it is. And it does get harder and harder as things pile up.

I do care for my in-laws. In some ways, I still wanted things to improve and have a good relationship with them (but this desire has diminished over time for obvious reasons), and I want my children to have a happy and loving relationship with them.

But really, at what cost? Over the years, they have made it abundantly clear that it's all our fault, that it's our issue to deal with and that this relationship isn't worth the hard work of repentance, reconciliation and restoration.

We just need to forgive them and pretend all is “hunky dory.”

But forgiveness doesn't mean you get a blank cheque. It doesn't mean you can abuse someone's grace by repeatedly hurting them and then demand further forgiveness. Do we go to Jesus and DEMAND forgiveness for our sins? I sure hope not. It's graciously given. Not demanded. I'm pretty sure Paul addresses that attitude in Romans 6.

In the context of community, Scripture is also clear that if someone is repeatedly unrepentant, we are to distance ourselves from them and their sinful actions (Matt 18:15-20).

I often think about all of this in relation to how I would counsel someone in a marriage after years of repeated abuse with very little effort made regarding change, repentance, reconciliation and restoration.

Would I counsel them to stay? No, I wouldn't. So, should we stay in this abusive relationship?

More from Diane Langberg, this time on repentance:

We only get shallow apologies from my in-laws (if any). As I have said, we have never been met with repentance. There has never been any concerted effort in regard to change. We follow the same toxic pattern over and over again.

So, initially, my wife and I reached the point where we needed to establish boundaries and be strong about communicating and enforcing those boundaries.

Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries are Biblical. Having boundaries does not cheapen the work of repentance or forgiveness in a relationship, nor does it hinder a relationship's growth. Boundaries are good.

For me personally and for the sake of my mental health, the plan was that I would no longer stay with them, engage in spiritual matters or worship with them at church anymore. I have blocked their phone number and email. I have asked my wife not to give them much information about me – out of fear of being “fixed” or becoming a sermon illustration or a focal point of their prayer-gossip groups. I won't allow them to force their toxic opinions, manipulate my wife or drive a wedge into my marriage anymore.

As I mentioned above, I am happy for the girls to have a relationship with my in-laws. However, this needs to be monitored with strict guidelines, especially regarding spiritual issues. They don't share the same values as my wife and me, so we need to limit their influence in that area. Frankly, we do not trust them with our hearts.

This means we won't give them unfettered access to the girls via social media or email. This is self-explanatory, given my in-law's history of coercive, shaming and often mean-spirited writing. It sounds harsh, but it is needed.

As a side note, this was the ONLY mode of communication (email/social) that we had decided to implement boundaries with regard to our girls. I have repeatedly said throughout this post that we invited them to call regularly.

That being said, the boundaries only worked for a time. We grew tired and complacent in enforcing them. We dropped our guard, foolishly, hoping that things would change for the better.

And they are both masterful manipulators – finding new ways to weasel back into our lives... often by playing the victim card or pulling on the heartstrings with their hardships.

However, they weren't willing to accept our wishes or work with us – that sermon exemplified that.

So, as a result, we have decided to break off most contact with them – outside of being able to reach my wife over email. We even got to the stage where we told them they weren't welcome in our home. Our home is our safe place. A place free from their negativity, free from their abusive nature.

It sucks, but the sermon was the last straw. It is the right decision, a very hard decision for my wife, one that was never taken lightly. But we had to do it for our hearts and family's sake. We cannot continue to live with this constant emotional and spiritual abuse.

While my mother-in-law was sick at the end, we did extend grace and love toward them. We visited as a family, and my wife went and visited by herself. The day before she passed, we went up and spent time with them. It was a pleasant visit.

We put in the effort. Yet we are still the unforgiving ones?!?!

Narcissistic entitlement. That is all it is about them and what they feel they deserve.

Back to boundaries: Even in that, my father-in-law has resorted to snail mail to insert himself into our lives. By sending letters and cards – often not signed, blank or with passive-aggressive and “woe is me” comments.

It's like a bad smell or an obnoxious fart showing up in your mailbox... we have asked him not to send stuff but he chooses to ignore our request. Choosing to be selfish and poke more at our trauma through sending letters.

It would be nice for him to acknowledge and apologize for all this hurt instead of wasting the money on a postage stamp and creating lots of anxiety for us.

Furthermore, he reached out to a friend of mine to obtain information about our family. Not willing to do the hard work of coming to us, working with us to make things right, listening to and acknowledging the hurt. No, he chose an easy route to get “information” about our family.

He chose cheap information over a real two-way relationship. Again, I can hear, “You're not worth the effort.”

In making this decision, we sought the wise counsel of some godly family and friends. Some were our pastors, and others were godly people that we trusted and respected. They all listened to the sermon, and they all said it was horribly abusive.

That it was another example in a long line of repeated spiritual and emotional abuse at the hands of my in-laws. I even had to ask some of them not to contact my in-laws or their church pastor on our behalf.

Though we are still very grieved by having to make this decision, there is also a bit of relief (and vindication) that came from receiving that feedback. It is relief that we aren't crazy, that we aren't being oversensitive or easily offended (remember that this is my in-laws' favourite accusation to gaslight us with).

That there is something definitely toxic and dysfunctional happening in this relationship.

For years, I have been gaslit, being told that I am the problem. I have essentially brought a curse/lack of blessing on my family because of my faith. Hearing that sounds highly irrational and bloody stupid. But that is how ingrained the abuse and lies have been over the years.

In further conversations with those godly friends, I realize now that I would not have found any form of acceptance from my in-laws unless I was just like them... and maybe I would still fall short in some way...

I just don't understand how they could look my family and friends straight in the eye at our wedding and promise to welcome me and take care of me. It was a lie. (unless the “taking care” was to obliterate my self-worth and identity).

I'm always left asking the question (in my best whiny voice) Why? Why all of this?

In my eyes, I only chose to love someone who I felt was well worth it—and I still do! So why have I been met with so much cruelty and disdain over the years by her family? I just wanted to be loved and accepted by them.

I know I will never get an answer. It's just the type of people they are – incapable of love and unwilling to accept someone as is.

Even with initiating things like boundaries, I feel like they have won somehow. I really regret giving them so much power over our lives. I regret that in my desire to have a loving relationship with them (which I now know I will never get), I lost some of the best years of my life – as a husband, father, basically as a whole person. The cruelty and misery that I allowed them to bring in has ultimately sucked a lot of the joy out of our lives. More importantly it has affected the most important thing in my life – my faith – which is now a pile of broken shards on the floor.

And I feel guilty that it has affected our family's future and robbed us of our dreams. At one time, it even influenced us not to move back to Australia out of fear that it would upset my mother-in-law. I regret trading a loving, supportive network for my small family for many years of indifference, abuse and misery. That fills me with so much guilt. My girls deserve so much better... I deserve so much better... but anyway ship has sailed...

So much power was given to them. That is on me. And I hate it. I wish I had clued into their abuse much sooner. I wish we had chosen a different path for our family. It kind of feels like this 👇 minus the whole supporting Nazis thing.

I chose poorly for my small family. We should have got far away.

And that is what scares me. Even in the end, this hurt can still cost us everything. After almost two decades of this – I have very little strength to fight on. To dream once more.

Yes, I realize I'm responsible for its effects and any of the decisions I have made in response to the hurt. I know that the “buck stops” with me regardless of what they have done – but man, Satan has used my in-laws over the years to hurt our small family...and I think we are only starting to scratch the surface of all that hurt and destruction.

#AbuseStory